Well....the last 2 months have been somewhat of a struggle, I guess you could say. For both Matt and I. I'll try to summarize a bit without getting too wordy or boring you too much.....but to be honest, I can't really promise too much. :) I've had a lot on my mind!
Matt and I have a really great relationship, to which I am truly, TRULY grateful!! I couldn't have asked for a better friend, confidante, partner, love, etc......you get the idea. I absolutely mean it when I say that he is truly my best friend! There isn't anyone else that I would rather spend my time with and share the daily 'struggles' of life with! I'm so glad I have his shoulders to cry on when I need it.........and an understanding heart to talk to. And vice versa for him as well.
For the most part, Matt and I both tend to remain pretty upbeat, positive, and happy and we try really hard not to let things get us down very often.....or at least stay down for very long. We do know in our hearts and minds that, despite whatever struggles and heartaches we may face in life at times, we WILL get through them and will be better and stronger for those struggles.......as long as we remain close to our Heavenly Father and allow Him to help carry us through those struggles. But...just like everyone else....sometimes we do forget and need to be reminded again.
I guess you could say that I've been going through one of those 'struggling times' again....and I HATE IT!! :)
If I really want to be truthful........I think it started at the end of July. I think the feelings of loneliness started creeping in when my sweet sister and her family moved down to Texas the weekend of July 24th. I had known for a good while that they were moving, but I don't think it really sank in....or maybe I was avoiding thinking about it too much, I don' t know......but as the time drew nearer and nearer, I found myself trying to spend more and more time with Pauline and the kids (Jeremy was still in D.C. for the military). Then the week prior to July 25th, Pauline's father-in-law, Hector, flew in to spend that week with her and the kids trying to get everything all packed up and ready leave that Saturday. That whole week quickly became consumed with trying to help them get packed as quickly as we possibly could. Hector was WONDERFUL in patiently keeping things going and trying to stay on task as much as possible, which wasn't necessarily easy with 4 kids running around the house and my sister trying to keep up with everything going on at the same time. Unfortunately, that weekend just happened to be my weekend to work so I wasn't able to help clean and get things packed as much as I wanted to. But Matt was great and spent every free minute he had over there helping out, for which I was extremely grateful for.
Saturday, July 25.....Matt spent the entire day over at Pauline's place finishing getting them packed and the moving truck all loaded up, while I stayed home and worked my shift for work. Matt finished packing up the truck with Hector and they sent Hector on his way back to Texas driving the moving truck. Matt came home and got me and we headed out to the airport to pick Jeremy up. We brought Jeremy back to their apartment to meet up with Pauline and the kids so that they could then drive the van together down to Texas before Jeremy flew back out again from Texas to go back to D.C. for a couple more months still.
As you can i
magine, it was a pretty crazy and emotional day! When we got back to Pauline's place with Jeremy, Matt and I had to quickly say our 'goodbyes' and head over to Matt's Mom's house for the traditional Nelson Family party. These pictures were taken as we were in the process of saying those goodbyes.
As we drove away and headed to Matt's Mom's house....it was deathly quiet in the truck. I think Matt and I were both somewhat lost in our own thoughts and feelings. There wasn't much talking at that time, only a couple of comments about how much we were going to miss them. I actually ended up quietly crying the whole way, already feeling the loneliness and feeling stupid for feeling that way at the same time. I know it's not goodbye and we'll still see each other as often as possible....but it will never be the same as only living 10 minutes down the road from each other.
Don't get me wrong.....Matt and I have the BEST FRIENDS EVER and our Heavenly Father to turn to. We're never REALLY alone, and I do know that. But it's still different.
Anyway, I had done a pretty good job of getting the tears dried up by the time we got to Matt's Mom's house. HOWEVER, as soon as I walked into the house....my mother-in-law said something and I dissolved into sobbing tears again. She was great and just hugged me and let me cry on her shoulder. She helped me to not feel so stupid about missing them so much already and about feeling lonely without them already. I don't think Carolyn really knows how much that meant to me. :)
My sister was always so great about allowing Matt and I to live somewhat vicariously, I guess you could say, through her kids since we don't have any of our own. She was always appreciative of the help, especially with Jeremy being gone so often for the military, and she always enjoyed getting together and taking the kids and doing fun things. While we were out and about, Matt and I would see something and think....."Oh! The kids would LOVE that! We should take them!".....and then we would call Pauline and plan it. I don't think Pauline will ever know just how much Matt and I enjoyed being able to spend so much time with her and the kids.....and for her allowing us to treat the kids so often as though they were our own. Even now, as I look at the pictures from the day the Baca Family moved....I get teary eyed and a lump in my throat. But, hey, at least I can now drive past Redwood Road and their old apartment without crying everytime! I think that means I'm making some progress! :)
I think it was also about that time that the frustration with being childless also began to set in again as well. Maybe it's because the 'filler of that hole', I guess you could say, was suddenly gone. I don't know. But it's been a struggle in the weeks since. Between baby blessings and primary programs......let's just say that it's been quite tough at times!
Our Ward probably thinks that Matt and I have gone somewhat inactive, since we seem to have only been to church in our Ward a couple of weeks in the last 2 months or so. However, we're not inactive. We've just had a lot going on. We've been out of town, had baby blessings, training sessions for working at the new Oquirrh Mountain Temple, General Conference, and had a couple weeks when Matt and I were both sick and not feeling well physically as well. It's been nuts, to say the least.......
We did make it to our Ward a few weeks ago and the talks that Sunday in Sacrament just happened to be all about eternal families. I actually did really well all the way through till the very end. The closing hymn was 'Families Can Be Together Forever'. Suddenly, as we started singing the words to that song I came completely unglued. It took everything in me stay on that bench until the song ended and the closing prayer was said. Matt asked me if I was ok and all I could do was sob and shake my head that I wasn't. I think the ONLY thing that kept me seated was KNOWING that if I got up and ran from the Chapel at that moment that EVERYONE would see me and know what was wrong. And I just wasn't up for the, "I'm so sorry"......"Hang in there"......and "Are you ok?" comments. I WASN'T ok!! I was having a HUGE 'This sucks!!' moment and I was feeling sad, hurt, angry, and frustrated all at the same time!! As soon as the 'amen' was said for the closing prayer, I ran from the Chapel and hid in the private bathroon down the hall for a short while.......long enough to quit sobbing and pull myself somewhat together. All I wanted to do at that moment was to go home and curl up in bed and have a really great 'sobfest'. But since I had hardly been to our Ward in weeks and I was feeling very neglectful of my nursery calling, etc......I felt terribly guilty to leave and forced myself to stay and hang in there instead. Trust me.....at that moment......NURSERY was the LAST PLACE I wanted to be right then!! I had to FIGHT with everything in me to be there that day!
Then about 2 weeks ago, I guess, our Ward had their Primary Program.....which Matt and I were there for. The entire primary theme for the year was on being eternal families. And guess what song they sang? 'Families Can Be Together Forever'!!!! Seriously!? Luckily, I didn't come unglued that time. However, I managed to swallow the lump my throat and leaned over to whisper in Matt's ear that I think I hate that song right now! Matt and I then both proceeded to laugh quietly at our own private joke and my heart felt better! :)
Last weekend was General Conference, which was incredible!! The talks were all really great and the Spirit was strong. Matt and I were able to go downtown to the Conference Center for the Saturday Afternoon Session, which was very enjoyable. But I have to say that the talk that struck me the most, to tears actually....shocker, I know!!.....was the one given by Sister Ann M. Dibb, 2nd Counselor in the Young Women General Presidency, entitled: "Hold On". If you happened to miss the talk or want to read it again.......here is the link below. Click on it and it will take you directly to it.
http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1117-25,00.html
That talk struck me in so many ways...on so may different levels. It felt like it was written directly for me. There was so much there that I needed to hear right now! I was very grateful for her inspiring words and message!
It's also been interesting to me, and I couldn't help notice, that the same song keeps coming to my attention over and over again in the past few weeks as well. The song is 'How Firm a Foundation'. I've heard that song hundreds of times over the years, I'm sure. But only lately has it really struck me and I've really paid attention to the words as I've struggled with my own feelings of not feeling like my 'foundation' is as firm as it maybe should be. It started probably 3 weeks or so ago as I was on my lunch break during my shift that I work in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple on Fridays. I was reading from the Ensign.....the last Conference issue.....and the words to the song were quoted in one of the talks I was reading. They seemed to jump out at me and I remember feeling tears spring to my eyes as I read the words to Verse 3:
"Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand."
