Rewind: Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Today was the day that Danalyn had a doctor's appointment and we had made arrangements the night before at dinner to meet her and Jorno at the Clinic to join them for the appointment that morning.  We were hoping and praying that she would get induced and that Tai would be born!

The appointment wasn't until a little later in the morning/early afternoon, so Matt and I had some time to kill before time to go.  We were able to sleep in a bit, get ready for our day, have some breakfast, and still had some time to kill before time to leave.  Needless to say, we were quite stir crazy and anxious!

Here's what I posted on Facebook at 10:50 a.m.:  To kill time...because we are a little stir crazy...we're going to have out @ Walmart Square...the home of Walmart...for a bit. :)

Bentonville, Arkansas is the home of Walmart.  Pretty much everyone who lives in the NW Arkansas area either works for Walmart or Tyson Chicken.  (Tai's birthparents both work for Tyson Chicken.)  There is a whole Walmart Square, etc, and trails that you can walk, etc.  This is where Matt and I drove over and killed some time at before the appointment.  We walked a couple of the trails, etc.  It was a nice day and the weather was very pleasant.  Here are some pictures of Walmart Square:

 This is the Walmart Home Office:

It was kind of a fun way to kill about an hour before going to the Clinic.  :)

Here's what I posted on Facebook at 12:43 a.m.:  @ WIllow Creek Women's Center. Pray that they do go ahead & induce her! WIll keep you updated!!

We arrived at the Willow Creek Women's Center in Springdale, Arkansas a little early and actually beat Danalyn and Jorno there.  We sat in the entryway at the Women's Center for a few minutes and waited for them to arrive.  My stomach was in knots and I was super excited and scared to death all at the same time!  I was hoping and praying that we would get some good news from the doctor and Tai would be born that day! 

Here's a picture of the Willow Creek Women's Center.....the place where Tai was born:

Danalyn & Jorno arrived and we headed upstairs with them to get her signed in for her appointment.  We ended up having to wait a few minutes before we got called back.  Jorno, Tai's birthfather, is a really great guy.  He told Matt and I to go back with Danalyn to visit with the doctor while he waited out in the Waiting Room.  It meant a lot to Matt and I that we were able to be a part of it and go back with Danalyn.  Once we got called back, we then had to wait for a while longer before finally seeing the doctor.  We actually ended up waiting for about an hour, but during that time Danalyn started to finally open up a little more and actually started to talk to Matt and I and ask us questions about us and our families.  I felt like we finally had a breakthrough with her and she was starting to feel more comfortable with us, which meant the world to me! 

Like I said, after about an hour we finally got called back into a room and waited a few more minutes before a nurse came in and gave Danalyn a gown to change into so that she could be examined.  Her doctor was Dr. James Gorman and he was super nice!  He came in and spoke to Danalyn for a few minutes.  He asked her if she had started having any contractions at all, which she told him she hadn't yet.  He then had her lay back on the examining table.  I stood up by Danalyn's head and Matt stood up on the other side of the table by her head as well.  Dr. Gorman then checked Danalyn out and we got to hear Tai's heartbeat for the first time.  I remember feeling somewhat in awe as we heard his heartbeat and it sank in even more that this was real.  I remember looking at Matt over Danalyn's head and seeing him smile at me as he listened, too. 

After talking with Danalyn and examining her, Dr. Gorman then told her that he really wanted her to start dilating and contracting on her own.....so he told her to come back the next Wednesday for another appointment.  (That was also her due date as well.)  In the meantime, if she started contracting at all, he told her to come back.  Otherwise, to wait another week. 

As you can imagine, Matt and I were pretty disappointed!  Here's what I posted on Facebook at 2:44 p.m.:  Dilated to a 2...the same as what she was on Thursday. No contractions yet. Dr. wants her to start contracting on her own. No induction. Heard baby's heartbeat...very exciting! But pretty disappointed that he's not coming today.

Danalyn got re-dressed and we went back out to the Waiting Room to get Jorno and set up another appointment for her for the next week.  Then we all left the Women's Center and Matt and I went back to Marshal & Lacey's house to continue waiting and praying that Tai would come soon.

As we were walking back out to the Waiting Room, Danalyn and I were walking behind Matt and she looked at me and asked if I was excited.  I told her that I was VERY excited and a little disappointed that he wasn't coming that day.  She just smiled.  I told her to keep us posted throughout the week and let us know if she started contracting at all and that we would drop everything and come back to the Hospital, no matter what time of day or night.  Both she and Jorno promised to keep in touch with us and let us know if anything happened. 

Here's what I posted at 3:03 p.m. on the way back to Marshal & Lacey's:  Stressing a bit about money & Matt's work situation since we came out a week earlier than planned....thinking she was going to be induced.....

We were in for a very long week ahead of us........

Rewind - September 6, 2011 (conclusion)

In continuation of my previous post regarding Tuesday, September 6, 2011:

As I said previously, by the time we got to the restaurant to meet the birthparents for the first time, I seriously was a total nervous wreck.  My stomach was in knots and I truly did feel as though I wanted to throw up. 

I was super excited to meet them and I knew what I was hoping for as far as what kind of relationship I wanted with them now and in the future.  I wanted to have a great relationship with them in which we could feel comfortable with each other and keep in touch over the years.  I wanted us to be family, an extended family of sorts.  I want Matai to know his birth family and have a good relationship with them.  I want him to know where he comes from and to know his heritage and be proud of it. 

My biggest fear was that they wouldn't like us.  I was scared to death of saying or doing something totally stupid and having the birth parents change their minds and decide not to place their baby with us afterall.  Don't get me wrong, I had felt very comfortable in what we were doing and had felt very good and at peace, for the most part.  But there were still times, such as this one, that the clouds of doubt would creep in and I would start to worry and feel some anxiety that this adoption situation would suddenly fall apart, just as all of the other previous ones had.....even though this one had felt different from the very beginning.  I had begun to feel pretty strongly that this little boy was apparently supposed to be a part of our family, for whatever reason, but I still worried that things had gone way too smoothly and wonderfully up to that point.  In my head, there was still a part of me that was waiting for it to all fall apart again and it terrified me and broke my heart to even think about it.

Anyway, Matt and I were still several minutes early arriving at Golden Corral so we sat in the car and waited.  Matt kind of wanted to go ahead and go in and wait for them, but I was worried my legs wouldn't work and my stomach was so tied up in knots.  I convinced him to stay in the car and wait.  A part of me wanted to see them first before they saw us.  However, Maki got there first and stood outside the restaurant waiting for everyone.  We had asked Maki to join us so that we could meet her and she could act as a translator in case we had a lanuage barrier and were unable to communicate very well in English.  When we had tried talking to them previously on the phone a few weeks before, we had a difficult time.....but it's also different on the phone as well.

After Maki got there, we then got out of the car and joined her.  We stood talking with her for a few minutes before Danalyn (birthmother) and Jorno (birthfather) got there.  Shortly after that, they drove up in a white Ford Expedition.  As they were walking up to us, I remember commenting to Maki and Matt on how cute they were.  Danalyn is actually a little shorter than me and Jorno is about the same height as Matt......with the typical black hair and beautiful dark skin as those who come from the islands.  They are such a cute, sweet couple! 

We all greeted one another and went inside the restaurant.  Matt and I paid for everyone's dinner.  We got our table, filled our plates with food, and sat and talked while we ate.  I will admit that it was a little awkward that first time meeting.  Maki did translate some, but we mostly talked directly to Danalyn & Jorno in English.  Jorno seemed to understand a little more than Danalyn did at the time.....and to be a little less shy.  It was fun to meet them and begin to get to know them a little, but it was also hard in some ways as well.  We were a little uncertain about the language barrier or their customs, so we were careful to be respectful.  However, we also tried really hard to just be ourselves as well. 

Danalyn wasn't very talkative.  She would answer questions in very short answers when asked a question, but she didn't really ask us very many questions at all.  Neither did Jorno.  Maki did a good deal of talking with all of us as well.  The dinner went well, but I was still a little uncertain of how they felt about us and how well it had gone from their end by the time we left the restaurant.  All I could do was pray that it had gone well from their perspective as well.  We were at the restaurant all of about an hour before we all left.  For those who know me, you know that I'm a very affectionate, hugging person.  As we were leaving, I made sure I initiated hugs with both Danalyn and Jorno in an effort to show them who I am as a person and how much I appreciated them for what they were doing for us.  I wanted them to know how much they mean to us and how much we love them, even if we really didn't know them yet.  It was obviously not something they are used to, but they both accepted the hugs and hugged us back. 

Here is what I posted on Facebook at 6:17 p.m. that night as we were leaving Golden Corral:  Dinner went well. Birthparents are great people!....shy & quieter...but really sweet. Baby is going to be gorgeous! Danalyn is my height...maybe even a little shorter (LOL)...& Jorno is close to Matt in height. They are a very cute couple!

A little while later, Matt and I began texting Maki.  I can't remember if we initiated it or if she did, but she became our texting buddy after that and was able to give us the 'inside scoop' on what Danalyn and Jorno thought.  It was quite helpful.  LOL 

To this day, we still keep in touch with Maki through texts.  She's awesome and we love her to pieces!  :)

Here's what I posted at 8:13 p.m.:  Apparently, the birthparents really liked us and were quite touched by some of the things that we said at dinner. :)

Whie at dinner, Matt and I made a point to tell Danalyn & Jorno how much we loved them and appreciated their sacrifice they were making....and how much they were blessing our family.  We told them about some of our struggles and what we had gone through over the years in trying to adopt.  (At one point, there were even tears shed as we shared.)  We made a special point to share with them how important it is to us that Matai know his birth family and where he came from.  We told them that it's important for us to keep in touch with them throughout the years, if they are comfortable with it, which they also expressed an interest in. 

Also, before we left the restaurant, we made arrangements to meet Danalyn & Jorno the next afternoon for Danalyn's appointment. 

We went to bed that night more excited than ever for Matai to be born....and we were praying that it would be the next day!

Rewind - Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Tuesday, September 6, 2011 - 

We pretty much spent that day relaxing a bit and getting oriented to being in Arkansas.....and recuperating from the trip out there.  Here is what I posted on Facebook that day:

At 10:42 a.m.:  Enjoying relaxing today in Arkansas & hanging out w/Lacey. Hoping to meet w/our birthparents sometime today. :)

At 12:58 p.m.:  I am in LOVE w/some of the houses out here in Arkansas. GORGEOUS....not cookie cutter...w/big, spacious yards!

Years ago, when I was still living in South Carolina before I moved out to Utah, I met Rich Fordham shortly after he moved up from Florida for a few months and we ended up becoming the best of friends.  He supported me and encouraged me in my decision to move to Utah, and I supported him and encouraged him in his decision to make some good life changes and go on a mission.  After he moved back down to Florida to get ready to go on his mission we continued to keep in touch by phone every week and he called me as soon as he got his mission call to the South Salt Lake Mission in Utah.  I was able to go down to Florida for a few days to be there for his farewell before he left on his mission.  About a month before he went into the MTC, I moved out to Salt Lake City myself and I was able to go to the MTC and be there when he entered.  Throughout the course of the 2 years that he was on his mission, I wrote him every week and we continued to remain close friends.  During all of this time, I had gotten to know his family and fell in love with them as well.  The Fordham's are an AMAZING family and I've always felt very blessed to know them and call them my friends. 

When I made the decision to go through the Temple for the first time and receive my own endowments, I decided to drive back to South Carolina and share the experience with my family and close friends at the time in the Atlanta Temple.  Two of my very best friends, Christy (Miles) Castillo and Nichole Martin, made the drive with me so that they could be there and see their families as well since they are both from South Carolina as well and had also moved out to Utah.  In the course of that drive back to South Carolina, we stopped in Tennessee for a short stop so that I could visit with the Fordham's and see them again since they had moved there from Florida after Rich had left for his mission. 

Lacey (Fordham) Schofield, Rich's only sister, was going to BYU down in Provo during the time that Rich was on his mission, so there were a couple of times that I was able to see her as well.

Shortly after Rich came home from his mission, I was able to fly out to Tennessee and be there for his homecoming and spend another few days with him and his family.  Rich then made the decision to move back out to Utah and we were able to spend some more time together during that time.  Then he met Summer, his wife of 10.5 years now, and they were married a short time later in the Mount Timpanogos Temple.....and, again, I was there for the wedding dinner, the sealing in the Temple, and the reception afterwards. 

Then life happened and Rich and I lost touch for a few years.....but never really forgot each other....until the first year that Matt and I were married and we were watching the 10:00 News one night before going to bed.  Suddenly, I saw Rich's face on the TV and realized that he had been in a terrible accident that had almost killed him while working for the Utah Highway Patrol.  I called the hospital the next day and talked to his Mom, who had flown back out to be there with him.  Matt and I were able to go up to the hospital later that night and see Rich for a very short time, which he doesn't remember now because he was in so much pain and so drugged up at the time. 

Again, we lost touch until Summer and I found each other on Facebook and started to get to know each other and become friends for awhile.  Then, a year ago this past May, Matt and I took care of their 3 gorgeous kiddos for a week while Rich and Summer went on vacation to Europe with Rich's family.  Since that time, we have kept in touch on a very regular basis and our families like to spend as much time together as we can.  Rich is still one of my very best friends in the whole world after all these years, and I've been so happy to have the chance to finally get to know Summer and the kids and become so close to them as well.  We love their family so much!

Anyway, the reason that I'm taking the time to mention all of this is for a purpose.  It is to preface and lead up to this:

It just so happens that shortly after Matt and I found out that Matai was going to be born in Springdale, Arkansas......Lacey, Rich's sister, contacted me on Facebook and let me know that that was only about 30 minutes away from where she lives in Centerton, Arkansas.  Let me just say here that I don't know ANYONE in Arkansas and I can honestly say that I've never had any desire whatsoever to go to Arkansas for a visit either before now.  So I really don't think that the location of where Matai's birthparents lives and where he was going to be born.....and the location of where Lacey just happened to live in Arkansas.....was a coincidence.  

Lacey and Marshal will never truly know just how much it meant to Matt and I to allow us to crash at their house and invade their space and their sweet little family for so long while we were in Arkansas.  They were FANTASTIC!!  It was fun to play with their 3 little girls and baby Carter, who is only a month older than Matai.  Their family saved us so much money and were truly an answer to many prayers.  They allowed us to feel as much 'at home' as one can feel when they are totally out of their comfort zone and staying in totally unfamiliar waters.  Thanks so much to the Schofield family for helping us out when we needed it most!!  You are THE BEST and we love you!  :)

Also, during this time, Rich and Summer and their 3 kids were watching our dogs during most of the time that we were gone after DeAnna took them down to them in Spanish Fork when she could no longer take care of them....and because we were gone SO LONG!  Thanks so much to BOTH DeAnna and to the Fordhams for helping with the dogs as well!  I was such a relief knowing that they were loved and well taken care of while we were gone.  :)

Anyway, to continue on.....

Matt and I made a call again that afternoon to Maki, who is Paul's (the Attorney) go-between person, of sorts.  I don't really know what else to call her.  Maki is AWESOME!!  She's Marshallese as well and she's known Paul since he was a missionary serving in the Marshall Islands 15 years ago.  At some point in the following years, Paul helped Maki place her first baby for adoption and she has since spent her life finding other Marsallese women who are in need of placing their babies for adoption, who she then refers to Paul and he then finds the families (all through referrals) to place the babies with for adoption.  Together, they make all of the 'magic' happen.  Matt and I are now really great friends with Maki as well and we keep in touch with her still periodically, too.  We consider her to also be a part of our extended family as well.

Since there was a little bit of a language barrier with the birthparents, we relied on Maki at first to help us communicate with them and set up a meeting time.  We agreed to meet for the first time that night for dinner at the Golden Corral, since that's a place that the birthparents like to eat at.  (They like buffet-style types of restaurants.)

Here's what I posted on Facebook at 2:58 p.m.:  We are meeting our birth parents for dinner in 2 hours!!

And another post at 3:04 p.m.:  NOW I'm suddenly TERRIFIED!!

Then again at 3:33 p.m.:  Headed to dinner now.....

We left Marshal & Lacey's house a bit early, just to allow for traffic and to give us plenty enough time to find where we were going, etc.  We really wanted to be on time.  As it turned out, we were WAY early so we went over to a mall just down the street and wandered around for a bit to kill time before we headed over to the restaurant.

And here's what I posted @ 4:49 p.m. as we were sitting in the parking lot at Golden Corral, waiting for the birthparents and Maki to arrive:  Think I'm gonna be sick to my stomach.....

I was SO SCARED at this point....

I'm going to have to sign off again for now and continue tomorrow.  :)

Rewind - Labor Day 2011

Monday, September 5, 2011 - Labor Day

Matt had the day off work so he went golfing early that morning with Ryan Breurton, Ryan Keddington, and Wayne Parent....some of our very best friends....so it was appropriate that they were all there when I called him to tell him about the email I had received from Paul, the Attorney.  I was actually glad that they were with Matt so that they were able to share in the excitement and craziness with him when he got the phone call....and then they were able to go home and tell their wives and start spreading the word for us.

I was supposed to go to Girl's Night out with the wives of those guys that night, along with several other girlfriends as well.  We had all planned to go see the movie, "The Help" that night and go to dinner beforehand.  Needless to say....I didn't make it.  :)

Like I mentioned above, Matt had gotten up early that morning and had gone golfing with the guys....which was crazy, since they had all been up late the night before playing games for Boy's Night.  I was able to sleep in a little and then had planned to spend my morning checking for work during my ER/OP shift that I work on Monday mornings from 9:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m.  I expected work to be quite a bit slower than normal because it was a VA Holiday, which meant that most of the doctors would be off and wouldn't be sending in work.  I was planning to spend the rest of my day with Matt, trying to finish getting ready for Matai.

I got up that morning and turned on my laptop to begin checking for work.  As usual, I checked the Yahoo email account that we have set up specifically for adoption purposes, which is what we were using to communicate with Paul, the Attorney.  I always checked the account every morning to see if we had gotten any more word from Paul....and I discovered that we had.  When I saw that I had an email from him, my heart immediately leapt into my throat and I began to feel excited and wondered if it might be time.  I opened the email and read a couple of things he had emailed us about.  The first one, though, is what made my heart almost stop and then made me immediately go into crazy busy and excited mode:

 "I just confirmed that, apparently, Danalyn's doctor wants to induce her on Wednesday. If this is accurate (and I don't see why it wouldn't be), then you will need to get out there sooner than later."

I actually re-read that sentence several times, trying to get it to sink in....and then I started to go into panic mode and my mind was reeling, thinking of everything that needed to be done RIGHT NOW! 

Here's what I posted on Facebook shortly after at 9:02 a.m.:

Looks like we're flying to Arkansas either tonight or tomorrow!!!!

Then again at 9:34 a.m.:

Feeling a little bit in panic mode right now....could flying as early as the afternoon!!

Immediately after that, I called Matt and told him about the email.  Obviously, he then got super excited and his mind started racing a mile a minute as well.  He planned to finish golfing with the guys since they were almost done anyway, and then he was going to hurry right home. 

After I hung up with Matt, my first thought went to how soon we could get on a flight out of Salt Lake...whether it would be that afternoon or the next afternoon.  We had previously arranged with our good friend, Rachael Singleton (she worked for Sky West at the time), to use a couple of her Buddy Passes and fly standby, since it would save us a TON of money and would allow us to have the flexibility to fly whenever we needed to and change dates, etc, without any extra charge, should we need to.  I'm so grateful that we did so because at that point we had planned to fly out that Saturday and suddenly we were changing out flight arrangements to fly out a few days earlier.

I sent Rachael a text message on my cell phone and asked her what the options were for us to fly out either that afternoon or the next, and I explained to her why.  She was SUPER EXCITED and immediately began working on making the changes for us.  As it turned out, she got us booked on the flight out that afternoon at 1:45 p.m.

By that time, it was about 10:00 a.m. and we had little time to work with.  I wasn't quite sure yet at that point exactly when Matt would be home so I grabbed a suitcase for Matai and just started throwing everything in it that I thought we might need/want after he was born.  As soon as I had his suitcase all packed, I then grabbed a suitcase for me and started throwing everything in it.  (I hadn't even had time to shower and get dressed yet.)

It was about this time that Matt got home and I told him we were flying out that afternoon at 1:45 p.m.  I told him I already had Matai packed and ready, and was working on my suitcase.  I had a suitcase set out for him as well and told him to start packing!  Ryan Keddington had brought Matt home and was super excited for us, wanting to know if there was anything he could do to help.  He wanted to know if he could help with the dogs or anything.

I forgot to mention that right after I talked with Rachael and got us all booked on the flight out that afternoon, I then began to panic about what to do with the dogs.  Originally, we had made arrangements to take them down to the Fordham's in Spanish Fork and they were going to watch them.  However, at that point, there just wasn't enough time to make the drive down there and back since it would have take us a good 2 hours to do so.  Our next door neighbor, DeAnna, had previously offered to watch Trixie and Bailey, but I had told her that we had it already worked out at the time.  At this point, though, I immediately thought of her and sent her a text to see if she was home.  Thankfully, she was and she came over.  I told her everything she needed to know about taking care of the dogs while we were gone and gave her a key, feeling so grateful to have that taken care of!

Anyway, Ryan Keddington gave both Matt and I hugs and wished us luck as he left and went home.  Matt and I finished packing our suitcases, changed our clothes, and headed out the door.  (I even managed to do something quickly with my hair and put on a little makeup.)

At 11:22 a.m., I posted this on Facebook:

Headed to the airport now!

We drove over to Matt's Mom's house and parked the Avalanche there for them to keep an eye on while we were gone.  Carolyn and Julie, Matt's oldest sister, drove us to the airport. 

Once at the airport, we said goodbye and got ourselves all checked in without any problems.

At 12:49 p.m., I posted this on Facebook:

All checked in...have been in contact w/the attorney & his contact person to let them know we are on our way...seated @ the gate & waiting for seat assignments.

We were able to get seat assignments on the plane without any problem.

At 1:25 p.m., I posted this:

We are on the plane!!

Then at 3:46 p.m., I posted this:

We've landed in Tulsa!

The flight to Tulsa, Oklahoma went really well and it was kind of fun telling people where we were going and why.  The stewardess on that flight was super sweet and spent the whole time that she wasn't busy doing her job on the plane talking to us about the adoption.  She was LDS, too, and was very excited for us!  :)

The reason we flew to Tulsa was because it was much cheaper and because that was the closest airport that Sky West flew into at the time.  Once in Tulsa, it took us about an hour to finally get our luggage.  We had to wait FOREVER!!  As the luggage finally started coming in, people around us began to notice that we had a car seat and a stroller with us, but they couldn't see a baby.  It was funny to watch some of the expressions as they were trying to figure out what the heck was going on.  And then it was fun to explain that the baby wasn't born yet, that we were adopting, and that we were flying to get him.  Once we finally got our luggage, we then headed over to get our rental car.  Matt had piled our backpacks and my laptop bag up on top of the stroller and, again, it was quite entertaining to watch other people's expressions as they watched us walk to the rental car counter.  We even had a couple of people ask where the baby was and Matt, being funny, told them he was in the stroller and that he had just piled everything on top of him.  Then we quickly corrected them and explained our story again.  It was quite comical!  :)

We were able to get our rental car (which we barely fit the 3 suitcases, the car seat, and the stroller in) and then at 5:01 p.m., I posted this:

On the road....headed to Arkansas!

We were staying on Centerton, Arkansas....which is about 2 hours from the Tulsa airport.

My last post for the day was at 7:31 p.m.:

We have arrived @ our destination!

And this is where I have to sign off and go get ready for church.....more tomorrow!  :)

Rewind - The Story of Matai

Well.....it's time for me to finally sit down and write out the rest of the 'story of Matai' and how he has come be a part of our family now. It's going to take me a little time to get it all written out because I want to make sure I get everything just right and don't forget anything important....not to mention that I have a lot less 'free' time these days. So please bare with me and keep checking back for the updates. :)

 

 

I just finished going back and reading what I've already written about the adoption story up to this point, and it's amazing to me how things have changed so much over the last 5 months.....in particular, the last 2.5 months.

 

 

The last time I wrote was on August 25 and I had no idea at that time that just 1.5 weeks later we would be hopping on the next flight out of Salt Lake City and heading to Arkansas to get our baby boy. And what a journey and adventure it was......

Saturday, August 27, 2011 was the Sprinkler World annual summer party for the employees and their families. Matt and I went and our friends, the Fordham Family, joined us as well since they live down that way close by and have season passes. I remember sitting by one of the kiddie pools, watching the kids play in the water, and chatting with Rich and Summer about all of the changes that we were about to embark on. I remember feeling really excited and anxious to just get to Arkansas and for everything to happen finally. I remember having several people ask me during that time period whether I was scared or nervous about what was about to happen, and I remember telling them that I wasn't. I was just really excited and couldn't wait to finally hold Matai in our arms. I kept waiting and hoping for the phone to ring and have it be Paul, the Attorney, calling to tell us that it was time and to get on a plane and go. In fact, while we were at Seven Peaks that day, Matt's phone rang and it was an Arizona phone #. I remember that he looked at me in excitement and that 'Could it be?' look when he realized it was an Arizona number. He mouthed to me that he thought it might be Paul as he walked away to answer it in a quieter place to hear better. I remember sitting there with my heart in my throat and my heart beating like mad, waiting for Matt to come back and tell me that it was time. And I remember the disappointment when he came back and told me that it was only a contractor down in Arizona who was calling him to order parts for work.

Matt's birthday was on Monday, August 29, 2011, and I planned a surprise birthday dinner at Olive Garden. Somehow, I managed to keep it a surprise and we had a great night with all of our closest friends. The next night, Tuesday, August 30, 2011, we went to dinner with Matt's Mom and Sister, Julie, for his birthday at Lone Star Steakhouse.

Matt had a boy's night that he enjoyed going to at the Keddington's house the night of Sunday, September 4.

And then came Monday, September 5, 2011. Labor Day. The day that everything began.

Here's where I'm going to have to stop for today and continue again tomorrow. But first, I wanted to share with you my thought that I wrote on Facebook at 10:11 p.m. on Sunday, September 4, 2011:

"So grateful for my life. I've been so abundantly blessed, in spite of the challenges and frustrations that may come up....or maybe the blessings come BECAUSE of those challenges. My heart hurts for loved ones who are struggling w/their own personal challenges....& I pray that they will remain strong to get through them. I love you!"

Keep following along....the best is yet to come! :)

It's a BOY!! (part 3)

.......OK.....On a more personal note......

At the moment, the name that we have chosen for him will be:

Samuel Matai Nelson

We want him to have a good, strong name that is somewhat indicative of his heritage/culture and where he came from. The Marshallese names and their meanings are apparently somewhat funky and strange, according to our attorney. However, it's easy to find Polynesian names....which is somewhat of a step away from the Marshall Islands. As soon as Matt found the name "Matai"....pronounced "Muh-tie".....I instantly fell in love with it!! It comes from "Matthew".....and it means, "Gift from God". Could it BE more appropriate to our story!? So Matai is actually the name that we're thinking he will go by, with a nickname of "Tai"....pronounced like "tie". Granted, this could change once we are in Arkansas and we see him and hold him for the first time.......:)

Throughout this whole journey up till now, Matt and I (and everyone who has been through this process with us) have continued to watch miracle after miracle happen in making it possible for us to adopt this little guy. There's no doubt in our minds, at this point, that this little boy is supposed to be a part of our family. For whatever reason, his journey to this earth is supposed to come by different means than directly through Matt and I, but that doesn't make him any less OUR son. It is our hope that we can raise him in such a manner that will be pleasing to the Lord and that he will grow up to be a strong, healthy, incredible man someday.


It is also our hope that his birthparents will allow us to be a part of their lives and that they can become somewhat of our extended family. We appreciate them so much for this most precious sacrifice they are making for us! I cannot wait to get to Arkansas and meet them in person and give them huge hugs! No words can truly express the feelings of gratitude and happiness in my heart these days.

All of the hell....the heartache.....the hurt.....is worth it to get to that moment when we can finally hold him in our arms and know that he's OUR son.


Throughout this whole adoption journey, it has been one of my greatest desires to be able to feel the Spirit and know that the Lord is pleased with what we are doing. I have longed to feel the Spirit confirming to me that our adoption stories, whatever they may be, are right for Matt and I and that this is part of our journey in this life.....to raise these children and teach them in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.


Since the beginning of this year, my faith and my trust in my Lord and Savior has grown in leaps and bounds as I have physically watched Him bless Matt and I over and over again. It's been amazing to actually be able to see the Hand of the Lord in my life, guiding and directing us in this journey. On the other hand, I have also witnessed the power of Satan doing everything he can to destroy and stop this process at the same time. As I've watched the 'war' going on between good and evil, I may at times feel frustrated watching Satan try to destroy everything we are working so hard for......but it's also made me more determined than ever to do what's right and stay the course, even when things get tough! I WILL NOT give Satan the satisfaction of winning this battle!


Matt and I have come to the conclusion that our family is not going to be a 'typical family'....but it's going to be one build on hard work, trust, faith, love of the Savior, and a strong testimony in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Whatever the Lord has in store for us and our future children, we will do everything in our power to be in the right place at the right time and find our children by whatever means they are supposed to find us! We will continue to fight for our family and will never give up!


I have such a testimony of this Gospel! It has been reconfirmed to me that....without a doubt.....the Lord DOES know us each, individually and personally. He DOES know our sorrows and our joys and he is continually watching over us and protecting us. However, we all have our trials and our weaknesses.....we all have our journeys that we have to go through in this life.....and He won't stand in the way of that, either. It's up to us to fight through the tough times, stay close to the Lord, and put our trust in him.


Again, I have such a strong testimoney of the Gospel and I have so much love and gratitude for my Heavenly Father! We are SO abundantly blessed!! I pray that we NEVER forget the tough times that have gotten us to this point. I pray that those tough times will help us to be better, more patient, more loving parents. I don't ever want to forget this moment....this journey.....and the events that have led up to it.


This journey is not completely over yet and I pray that it will still end with the 'right' result.....and that it will be a happy ending for Matt and I. But, regardless, I will do my best to remain strong and do whatever the Lord has in store for me and our future family. Only through Christ can we do all things!!

This is the end of the story to this point.....today. Now, we wait for word that little Matai is finally coming to join our family forever!


The story will continue as it continues to unfold......

It's a BOY!! (part 2)

.......in continuation......

Matt and I had no idea that our lives were about to change forever on Wednesday, June 29, 2011.

The day started out much like any other day. Matt actually had the day off work, so he stayed busy all morning doing things around the apartment and running a few errands while I worked. This was also the day that the movie, Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon, came out in theaters and Matt was SUPER EXCITED to go see it, since he LOVES the Transformers movies. He used to love watching the old cartoons when he was a kid growing up. (I call him my big, overgrown little boy! LOL)

Anyway, I was really busy with work all morning and didn't even have time to check out my Facebook page until we were seated in the theater late that afternoon, around 3:00 p.m. Since we had gotten to the theater early and had a little time to kill before the movie started, I pulled up Facebook on my phone and realized I had a private message from someone. Never in a million years did I have any idea that that one simple message would change our lives forever! Here's what I received from a friend, and fellow adoptive mother someday, Heather McKenna:

Hey Call me 000-000-0000 (changed for security reasons) we got some information on a private adoption yet through a facilitator so about 22,000 plus your own travel fees and you need to be certified, We are not currently certified, and can't come up with that much right now, with the federal credit you can get 13,000 back. If you are interested he is trying to place a baby due in august and wants to make a decision today or tomorrow. He is a lawyer in Arizona named Paul Petersen His number is 000-000-0000 (again, changed for security reasons). If you can swing it call him today!!!!!!! and let him know you are certified and ready. Hope you get this. Love a fellow mother at heart, Heather McKenna.

I actually had to read this message 2 or 3 times before I finally turned to Matt and just handed my phone to him to read it. As soon as he read it, he looked at me and said...."Let's do it! Let's go for it!" I, on the other hand, questioned it at first because of the money and a few other things. I'm always very hesitant and cautious when it comes to these things. I don't want to get screwed over and I'm tired of all of the disappointment and heartbreak when it doesn't happen, yet again. After talking for just a minute or 2 more, we decided that it couldn't hurt to at least call the attorney and get a little more information before making any kind of real decisions about pursuing it. So Matt got up right then, walked out of the theater, and called Paul. He ended up leaving him a message and Paul called him back the next day.

When Paul called Matt back, Matt expressed an interest in learning more details about the adoption situation and told him that we have been trying to adopt for a long time now. We spoke with Paul and began emailing him, getting more details about the situation over the next 2 days. I was still a bit concerned about the money and a few other things, but we became more and more interested in pursuing it, the more information we got from Paul.

We found out, by that point, that there were actually 2 different placements taking place, a baby girl in August and a baby boy in September. On Thursday, June 30, I emailed Paul our adoption blog information and our adoption profile information with LDS Family Services, which he then forwarded on to the birthmothers to take a look at. I had also requested Paul's licensing information with Arizona so that I could check him out and make sure he was legitimately who he was claiming to be. He sent me that information, which I was able to check out with the Arizona Bar Association. He also sent me the names and phone #'s of 5 other couples that we could contact to check for references and find out how their adoption experiences had gone. I will admit that I didn't call any of them right away, simply out of fear, but I did feel better having their information to do so.

It wasn't until several weeks later that I actually did make those phone calls. I talked to an adoptive father who was very nice and helpful. I also had the privilege of talking with Saige Hall, who adopted little Jack through Paul. She and I had a really great conversation on the phone and we've since become really great friends! Through her, I was also able to connect with Stephanie Sibbett, who has adopted 2 little boys through Paul as well. She and I have also become really great friends as well! It's been really great to have a new little support group to talk to and get advice from. :)

Anyway, I received an email from Paul on July 1 informing us that he had preliminary word that the birthmom due in September liked our profile. He stated at that time that he needed to confirm everything and would keep in contact with me, which he did and it became official over the next couple weeks that the birthmom had chosen us for sure to be the adoptive parents of her little baby, due September 14, 2011.

In the meantime, Matt and I had begun praying our hearts out over whether or not it was right to pursue this adoption for sure. We made the decision to go to the Jordan River Temple the night of Friday, July 1 in search of some peace and guidance about what we should do at that point. We also decided to take the weekend to pray and fast about it as well. By the end of that weekend, Matt and I hadn't gotten any real earthshaking answers or anything like that, but we did feel good about pursing things as we had started to do and we felt that we were going in a good direction. So we continued pursuing.......

I failed to mention previously that about 2 or 3 weeks before all of this had started happening, I had suddenly begun to get the impression that it was time to finally finish the paperwork for Foster Care and complete the licensing, etc. Up to that point, I had never felt completely comfortable/right about finishing the process, in spite of the fact that we had already taken all of the classes and had received our certification 2 years prior. We had even filled out most of the paperwork to complete the licensing, but I never could feel good enough about it to turn it all in. Suddenly, I began to feel that it was finally time. Naturally, I assumed at the time that it was because it was time for us to go through Foster Care instead of continuing to wait for something to happen with LDS Family Services. I hadn't even had time yet to tell Matt about my thoughts/impressions before all of this adoption stuff suddenly began to happen. I had wanted to be sure of what I was feeling before I got Matt's hopes up again and we began to pursue Foster Care for real this time.

Little did I know that getting that licensing completed with the State of Utah was one of the requirements to make this adoption happen.......

On Monday, July 5, I called Foster Care and set up an appointment with Dan @ Foster Care to come to our apartment and meet with Matt and I. Dan came and visited with us at 12:30 p.m. on Tuesday, July 6 and we discovered that the Foster Care Classes began again THAT NIGHT at 5:30 p.m. So we went to our first class that very night......and every Wednesday & Thursday night from 5:30 p.m. - 9:30 p.m. throughout the entire month of July.....finishing up and receiving our current certification on Thursday, July 28, 2011. We met with our Licensor, Janice, @ 4:30 p.m. on Wednesday, August 10, 2011. She then wrote everything up for us and brought our licensing certificate by on the afternoon of Monday, August 15. At that point, that hurdle was done!! We had been racing against the clock, with a deadline of August 31, in order for this adoption to happen. :)

In the meantime, Matt and I had also begun to tackle the money hurdle as well. We've received several VERY generous donations from people, some anonymous and some not.....all of which have helped tremendously! Matt has taken on several jobs for different people, which has allowed us to get part of the money that way as well. And the rest of the money has come from fundraisers that we've done over the last few weeks.

One of our close friends, Summer Fordham, is a Scentsy Consultant and she did a Scentsy party for me on Saturday, July 30, 2011....which raised a good amount of money and was a great help to us. Our close friends, Ryan & Trisha Bruerton, had a HUGE yard sale for us on Saturday, August 6, 2011 on their front lawn. The next weekend, Saturday, August 13, we had a Dinner/Silent Auction that our close friends, Kat, Ashley, & Trisha, organized for us and did an absolutely AMAZING job!! That night alone, we were able to raise the rest of the money that was necessary for the rest of the upfront adoption fees that we needed to pay by September 1. And finally, on Saturday, August 20, we had another HUGE yard sale out in our old neighborhood in West Jordan, which our close friend, Salina Lenz, organized for us. All of the money raised from that and from here on out will go towards helping us with travel costs and getting the rest of the things that we need to take care of our little guy once we get him home finally.

......keep reading...not quite done yet. :)

It's a BOY!!

Well.....after 8.5 long years of waiting, praying, and hoping.....

it's finally time to tell you our adoption story.....thus far (it's not over yet!).

I don't even know quite where to begin with it......I just know that I've been feeling impressions lately that I really need to sit down and write this all out while it's fresh in my mind. I want this story recorded for our own personal family history and I really don't want to forget anything important. I guess I'll just start at the beginning. So here goes......

Matt and I have come to the conclusion....realization....whatever you want to call it.....that our story actually began years ago. However, it hasn't been until the beginning of this year, 2011, that we've really seen very specific steps leading up to this very moment in our lives. There have been a very specific series of events that have taken place since the beginning of 2011, which we cannot now deny have been planned and set up perfectly to put us in the right place at the right time for this adoption.

I'm not gonna lie......the year 2010 was probably one of the hardest years for me....for some very personal reasons. In a nutshell, I've felt a lot of very personal inner struggles about who I am and what my role is in this life as a daughter, sister, woman, wife, future mother.....and, most importantly, as a Daughter of God. I've struggled harder than ever before with feelings of inadequacy and doubting my self worth. I felt lost and very alone for much of 2010. Don't get me wrong......I have the most amazing husband in the world, who loves me and supports me in everything! He is a constant support and friend to me. I also have the most amazing friends in the world as well.......but this was something very personal that I struggled with inside on a regular basis.

2010 brought several heartbreaks and uncertainties for us as far as the adoption process was concerned. A few times, I very seriously contemplated giving up and walking away from it all. During those periods of frustration, anger, bitterness, and utter heartbreak, I just couldn't see how the adoption process was going to work for us.....and I worried that it never would. Through it all, I kept remembering the words of my Patriarchal Blessing, in which it speaks very directly about my children (in plural) and my relationship that I will have with them if I will continue to live righteously. I used to wonder for years, before I got married and we began trying to start our family, why my Blessing said some of the things it did. But as we've come through the adoption process, things have begun to make a lot more sense to me and I can absolutely see what it's talking about. Maybe that's what kept me going when I wanted to give up.......

Then, as the year 2011 began and some changes took place at Matt's work, etc, he and I finally looked at each other one day and decided that enough was enough!! We were sick and tired of struggling so much and decided that it was time to take some action and make some very big changes in our lives!

The first change we decided to make was to sell our house. That was a very difficult decision to make, since we loved our cute little house and we loved our ward and the neighborhood we lived in. We had.....and still have......many great and wonderful friends in that neighborhood in West Jordan! After praying and deciding that selling the house was the right thing to do, we quickly moved on it and it actually sold in about 47 days! Unheard of right now, with the crappy economy! At the time, Matt and I had no idea why.....but we definitely felt the Lord's hand in selling that house. While we do miss living so close to our friends out there, we aren't that far away and we haven't regretted our decision!

In the middle of selling the house and preparing for all of that.....we found our GORGEOUS apartment that we now live in and moved into it the weekend of March 4-6. We LOVE IT!! We love the area and we love our new Ward! It's been a real blessing in our lives to find something so nice, that we like so much, and to be able to save so much money in the process! We know that this is where we need to be for the time being, until we feel prompted to go elsewhere again.

Because of the move, we then had to switch LDS Family Services Offices and all of our profile information was moved from the West Valley Agency to the Riverton Agency. We met with our new Case Worker, Emily Anderson, on May 10, 2011. She's a really cute, really sweet girl and we were excited to begin working with her....and had hopes that maybe now SOMETHING would finally happen for us. But it didn't......and I had pretty much reached the point of HATING to have to answer the question that everyone kept asking us, "So what's going on with the adoption process? Anything new?" I hated having to say over and over again.....nothing. Absolutely nothing to report. It was like stabbing my heart every time I had to say it and I just didn't even want to talk about it anymore at all.

In the process of all of this, we got another lead or 2 from several different people regarding possible adoptions.....but still nothing happened with any of them. And we continued to wait......

My little sister, Tammy, married Xavier Colleu in the Columbia, South Carolina Temple on Saturday, June 11, 2011. I flew down to Texas on Monday, June 6 and drove with my other younger sister and her 5 kids to South Carolina on Tuesday, June 7. We stayed in South Carolina until Monday, June 13, when we drove back to Texas. I flew out of Texas and back home to Salt Lake on Tuesday, June 14. It was great to see my family and have some time to spend with them!

I still have yet to post pictures and more detail about each of these events. But, for now, this is just a brief synopsis of our year up to this point. :)

Keep reading......you're about to get to the 'good part'! LOL

Matt & Darla's Many Adoption Fundraisers!!

Most of you already know, from our posts on Facebook, that Matt and I are currently in the process of trying to adopt a little Marshallese little boy, due September 14 in Arkansas. It's all come up really quickly and suddenly and we're just crazy busy right now, scrambling to get everything done that we have to do in time.

We've got about $6,000.00 more that we have to come up with between now and September 1 in order to make this happen. We are currently working on SEVERAL fundraisers, etc, to help us raise the rest of the money that we need to adopt this little baby boy. We've had quite a few family and friends come to us and ask us what they can do to help. Well...this is what we need help with right now. We need help getting the rest of the money together so that we can adopt this little boy!! We will keep everyone posted on what we get scheduled and where and all of the details. We welcome any help we can get at this point, in whatever capacity!

At the suggestion and request of several people, I've also created a little widget at the top, left corner of our blog in which anyone who wants to can donate and contribute through PayPal.

I apologize that this post might seem a little scatterbrained and all over the place.....it's kind of the way I'm feeling right now with everything going on. I apologize that I haven't really given a lot of details here on the whole story of how this has come about. I promise that I will do so as soon as I have a chance!

We can do this! Please help us get this little baby boy here!!

Downsizing and Moving

Well....the secret is now starting to get out and spread around town. LOL It looks like there will be a

sign in front of our house in the very near future. It's been a really tough decision to make and one we don't take lightly, but so far we are feeling good about this decision after much prayer and thought about what changes we need to make right now.

What triggered the thoughts to sell and get out of the house was word a couple weeks ago that Matt would be getting a paycut at work for a while.....not sure how long at this point.....in order to help the company get back on top of some things. It was a hard decision for the owners of the company to make (Matt has witnessed the difficulty first hand in talking with the owners himself), but one that has already begun to

help the company in the last couple months. We feel very lucky and very blessed that we haven't been more negatively affected by it, since it could have been a lot worse. We are just truly grateful to have the job at this point. Matt is not the only one that this has affected.....it's been company wide.....we've just been lucky enough to be one of the last to be affected by it. The owners have since come to Matt personally and spoken to him about the changes and have assured him that he is a very valuable member of the company, they don't want to lose him, and that this will not be permanent. They've asked Matt to hang in there with them for a bit longer and that if we do, we will not regret it in the end.

Matt has been very honest and up front with the owners and they are aware that there has been some interest in him from other competitor companies and that he has submitted his resume. However, Matt has truly, truly LOVED working for the current company for the last 8 years and he really would prefer to stay with them, if at all possible. There has been a lot of anger, hurt, and frustration from other employees within the company for the last little while and there has actually been quite a bit of turnover as a result of these changes that have come about. The owners of the company really are truly good men who are trying to do what's right for them and their families, their company, and their employees and their families as well. Matt has witnessed first hand the struggle that these men have been going through themselves to make this work as well as possible for everyone. Others within the company have not necessarily had the opportunity or taken the time to get to know the owners as well as Matt has. It's a tough time for everyone right now, but we are continuing to pray about our situation, trying to stay positive about the changes, and are actually looking forward to the future. We have much to be grateful for, in spite of the trials!

In the meantime, this experience has really made Matt and I take a step back and reevaluate the most important things in our lives at this point. While we love our house and the area that we live in......we know that we can be happy no matter where we live, as long as we have each other and we have the Gospel of Jesus Christ in our lives. With that knowledge, we have decided that it's time for us to make some big changes in 2011.

After much prayer and much thought, we've decided that it's time for us to downsize and reprioritize a bit and get back to the basics. In doing so, we need to move out of our house and into something that is less expensive right now so that we can focus on getting completely, 100% out of debt. By comparison to so many others in society today, Matt and I actually have pretty minimal debt....but we do have some student loans and a few things that we can't seem to get rid of right now. As a result, we have felt a great urgency that this year we need to downsize and really focus on getting rid of whatever debt we have and on gaining a substantial savings account as well.

The General Authorities of the church have been telling us as members of the church for years now that we need to do everything we can, make whatever sacrifices we have to, to get out of debt. Everytime I hear them say it, I cringe just a little because I know that there are some things that we could do differently in our lives to help do that. So this year is the year that we are going to focus on those things and work hard to get to that point.

Another huge factor in this decision is adoption. We've been waiting for a while now, which has been a bit frustrating for us at times. So instead of just sitting and waiting anymore.....and worrying about how we're going

to afford to pay for an adoption when that time comes......we've decided to take action and do what we can to help this process go as smoothly as possible when the times comes. By selling our house and making these changes right now, it will also allow us to put some substantial money in the bank so that we can hopefully pay cash for an adoption......or be able to only have to minimally finance it.......when the time comes.

As I said previously, the decision to sell our house and move has been a tough decision to make.....but it's one that we are feeling good about and we are actually looking forward to the future and whatever may be in store for us. We are determined to make 2011 a great year for us! :)

Adoption Anniversary

Today marks the one year anniversary of the date we received our approval from LDS Family Services. It was one year ago today that we got the phone call from our caseworker, Josh, informing us that we had finally been approved for adoption.

It was a very exciting day, even a little scary, to suddenly realize that we now could 'officially' become parents at any given moment through adoption by simply receiving a phone call informing us that we had been 'chosen', 'picked'....whatever word you would prefer to use....by a birthmother who was looking to give her baby a better life than she might be prepared to provide at that point in her life. As we thought ahead to what the next year could bring for us we looked forward to it with great anticipation and excitement.....

Now, here we are.....exactly one year later. We are still not parents. Still no phone call. Still no 'shedding of any light', if you will, on when we will ever become parents. To say that this year has been easy would be lie. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions with so many uncertainties and unknowns. At times, we've even felt like giving up.

I have to say that this year has been probably one of the greatest struggles for me, personally. While I can feel the Lord's hand in my life, and I know what He loves me and is looking out for me.......and I know that when the time is right, we WILL become parents........it's still been extremely hard for me on a very personal level.

Probably what I struggle with the most is with not knowing exactly what it is that I'm supposed to be doing with my life right now. I've been raised my whole life to be a wife and a mother. Well, I'm doing the wife thing just fine. But the mother thing hasn't worked out for me so far. I've struggled this past year with feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, and a certain loss of something that EVERYONE else around me gets to struggle with and enjoy on an every day basis, but yet I'm still withheld from.

My testimony, to be quite frank, has truly been tried and tested this past year. There are some days when my testimony feels much stronger than other days. I've struggled with feelings of not wanting to go to church and watch all of the other 'happy mommies' fight with their kids all through church while Matt and I sit alone. I've struggled with my calling in the nursery as I've felt like I go to church to 'babysit' everyone else's children.....but have none of my own. Thankfully, I have a loving Bishop (and friend) who cares about me and cares about my struggles....and is mindful of what I need when I need it.

This past year has been a trial of dealing with the 'loss' of losing my sweet sister.....simply in the fact that she has to do what's best for her family, which included moving out of state this summer. That was probably one of the hardest struggles for me, which really took me by surprise. I've come to the conclusion, though, that her children had become like my children and to have them gone was like taking a piece of my heart away. I will forever be grateful for such a sweet sister who, while she can't fully understand the heartache and pain of being childless, tries really hard and allows Matt and I to be such a large part of her beautiful children's lives.

This past year has been a trial of dealing with the 'loss' of my calling from the Relief Society Presidency......which ended up being harder than I thought it would be, too. On some levels, it has been a great relief, while on other levels it has been hard to not have that connection to the sisters in the Ward anymore.

There have been quite a few Sundays this past year that I have had had to, quite literally, 'fight' with myself to get up and go to church. It would be so much easier and less emotionally draining on those days to just stay home curled up in bed all day and not have to face the world outside. I must admit that I've even given in to a few of those days (hey! I'm not perfect!).....but it's something that I continually strive to overcome and be stronger about. One of my greatest fears is to wake up one day......15 or 20 years down the road.....and suddenly realize that I haven't been to church in 15 or 20 years. Maybe it's fear that keeps me going when I'm struggling so much.....but if that's what it takes, I'll take it!

I apologize if the tone of this post is a bit of a downer.....but these are some things that I've been thinking about today as I've reflected back over the past year. These are all very real feelings, thoughts, and struggles of my heart........and not to be taken lightly.

Now I have to switch gears and tell you something else from my heart........

I have a very real testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. VERY REAL and VERY STRONG! Like I said earlier, some days my testimony certainly feels stronger than others, but it's always there. Even now, as I write this......there are tears in my eyes, a lump in my throat, and my heart is overflowing. I have so much love for this Gospel and for the blessings that I have been so abundantly blessed with!! I KNOW that I would be utterly and completely LOST without the Gospel in my life!!

I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and in trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing and where I'm supposed to be in my life. I struggle with trying to figure out just what it is that Heavenly Father wants me to do. So often, I feel lost and unsure of what it is that He wants me to do. I've also come to the realization that a lot of it has to do with my own stubborness, too. I'm a pretty stubborn person, I guess, and sometimes it takes a while to get through my thick head. And sometimes that stubbornness has to do with fear as well.

Matt asked me not too long ago why there is sometimes such hesitancy in me in moving forward with doing certain things in relation to the adoption. Honestly? Fear. Fear of the unknown and the uncertainty. I think I'm afraid of not being a mother someday.....but I'm also terrified of becoming a mother someday. And here are where so many of the feelings of inadequacy come in. Can I do it? Can I be a good mother? Will I have the patience that it requires? Will I have the strength to face whatever challenges can and may come with adoption and/or foster care? Am I good enough and strong enough?

I do realize that that is a lot of Satan working his 'magic'...........trust me, I do. But I often forget about that part, too, and I allow those feelings of doubt and inadequacy to creep in and take over.

My goal for this next year is to keep pushing forward and to remain strong.......stronger, even, than I have been. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ is true.......I know it with all of my heart. I KNOW that my Heavenly Father loves me and watches out for me! I do know that I will be a mother someday............I just need to be better about doing what it takes to be stronger and closer to the Spirit so that I may hear the promptings and act on them. Thank goodness for a wonder Patriarchal Blessing that brings me great comfort in my life at times when I need it most.

I'm so grateful for my beloved Eternal Companion, Matthew......who so openly and loving accepts me and loves me in spite of my weaknesses and imperfections. He truly is my best friend.

Also, as I've reflected over the past year and had all of these thoughts, etc, swirling through my brain all day.......I've been doing some reading and have come across some really great articles from some of the General Authorities of our church. Reading things like this helps to buoy my spirit at times, too. I thought I would share some of what I found with you today. They are following this post.

Anyway, thank for caring and taking the time to listen to the 'ramblings' of my mind and some of the 'inner workings' of my heart. Sometimes it helps to put them in perspective while writing them down and sometimes its easier for me to write about them than to speak them.....

Enjoy the following articles!

Utah Foster Care

I need to do an adoption update, since there hasn't been one for awhile......so here goes!

In October, Matt and I reached a really great frustration time and went in to visit with our Caseworker, Josh, at LDS Family Services to vent for a few minutes and share with him some of our frustrations. I need to clarify, though, that the frustrations were not necessarily with him..........just in general.

Anyway, we met with Josh on October 16, 2009 and had a good chat with him. We were able to voice our frustrations and concerns, etc, about the whole adoption process and basically just tell him........This waiting period SUCKS!! LOL Thankfully, Josh is a great Caseworker who actually does know and understand our frustrations and the things that we are going through since he and his wife have gone through their own frustrations, etc, with starting their own family.

Through the course of our conversation with him, we told him that we had started taking the classes months ago with Utah Foster Care....but that we had stopped about halfway through because of some serious reservations and concerns that we had. He felt that we had very valid reservations and concerns, but he also very strongly encouraged us to go back and finish those classes. He helped us to realize that there are a lot of children who become 'legally free for adoption' through the state. He suggested that maybe, because of our reservations and concerns, we might not be interested in actually doing foster care at the moment.....but maybe in persuing a child who has become legally free for adoption and there is no hope of reconciliation with the birth family. He reminded us that, if that were to become the case, we can't pursue anything or even be approached and considered for anything if we haven't completed the classes and become licensed through the State. As a result, he advised us to go back and finish the classes so that we can become licensed and can be put into the Foster Care system so that we may be contacted in circumstances like this.

After our conversation with Josh, we felt better and ready to be more patient again in the waiting process. We also decided that we would take his suggestions and move forward with finishing the Foster Care classes and get licensed through the State. That very next Tuesday, October 20 was the very next class that we needed to take........so we went! And we went again on Thursday, October 22 and Tuesday, October 27. Then there was a break for about 2 weeks as we had already taken those classes and were waiting for the final classes we needed to take to complete them. We were able to take the final 2 classes on Tuesday, November 10 and Thursday, November 12.

We've since received our Certificate of Completion and are now working to finish up the last of the paperwork that has to be completed and turned in........and then we wait for approval for the licensing. So that's basically where we're at right now.

Oh yeah! I should also probably mention that, due to some things that have happened for both Matt and I over the last couple of months.....we've also adjusted our thinking a bit too in what we are looking for in our children. Meaning, we are not focusing quite as much on just newborn. We are actually thinking that maybe there is an older child or 2 who is supposed to be in our home as well. So we're now broadening our search to about 7 or 8 years old through newborn.

Wish us luck!! We're looking forward to 2010 and trying to think positive thoughts that maybe this will finally be our year? :)