Adoption Anniversary

Today marks the one year anniversary of the date we received our approval from LDS Family Services. It was one year ago today that we got the phone call from our caseworker, Josh, informing us that we had finally been approved for adoption.

It was a very exciting day, even a little scary, to suddenly realize that we now could 'officially' become parents at any given moment through adoption by simply receiving a phone call informing us that we had been 'chosen', 'picked'....whatever word you would prefer to use....by a birthmother who was looking to give her baby a better life than she might be prepared to provide at that point in her life. As we thought ahead to what the next year could bring for us we looked forward to it with great anticipation and excitement.....

Now, here we are.....exactly one year later. We are still not parents. Still no phone call. Still no 'shedding of any light', if you will, on when we will ever become parents. To say that this year has been easy would be lie. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions with so many uncertainties and unknowns. At times, we've even felt like giving up.

I have to say that this year has been probably one of the greatest struggles for me, personally. While I can feel the Lord's hand in my life, and I know what He loves me and is looking out for me.......and I know that when the time is right, we WILL become parents........it's still been extremely hard for me on a very personal level.

Probably what I struggle with the most is with not knowing exactly what it is that I'm supposed to be doing with my life right now. I've been raised my whole life to be a wife and a mother. Well, I'm doing the wife thing just fine. But the mother thing hasn't worked out for me so far. I've struggled this past year with feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, and a certain loss of something that EVERYONE else around me gets to struggle with and enjoy on an every day basis, but yet I'm still withheld from.

My testimony, to be quite frank, has truly been tried and tested this past year. There are some days when my testimony feels much stronger than other days. I've struggled with feelings of not wanting to go to church and watch all of the other 'happy mommies' fight with their kids all through church while Matt and I sit alone. I've struggled with my calling in the nursery as I've felt like I go to church to 'babysit' everyone else's children.....but have none of my own. Thankfully, I have a loving Bishop (and friend) who cares about me and cares about my struggles....and is mindful of what I need when I need it.

This past year has been a trial of dealing with the 'loss' of losing my sweet sister.....simply in the fact that she has to do what's best for her family, which included moving out of state this summer. That was probably one of the hardest struggles for me, which really took me by surprise. I've come to the conclusion, though, that her children had become like my children and to have them gone was like taking a piece of my heart away. I will forever be grateful for such a sweet sister who, while she can't fully understand the heartache and pain of being childless, tries really hard and allows Matt and I to be such a large part of her beautiful children's lives.

This past year has been a trial of dealing with the 'loss' of my calling from the Relief Society Presidency......which ended up being harder than I thought it would be, too. On some levels, it has been a great relief, while on other levels it has been hard to not have that connection to the sisters in the Ward anymore.

There have been quite a few Sundays this past year that I have had had to, quite literally, 'fight' with myself to get up and go to church. It would be so much easier and less emotionally draining on those days to just stay home curled up in bed all day and not have to face the world outside. I must admit that I've even given in to a few of those days (hey! I'm not perfect!).....but it's something that I continually strive to overcome and be stronger about. One of my greatest fears is to wake up one day......15 or 20 years down the road.....and suddenly realize that I haven't been to church in 15 or 20 years. Maybe it's fear that keeps me going when I'm struggling so much.....but if that's what it takes, I'll take it!

I apologize if the tone of this post is a bit of a downer.....but these are some things that I've been thinking about today as I've reflected back over the past year. These are all very real feelings, thoughts, and struggles of my heart........and not to be taken lightly.

Now I have to switch gears and tell you something else from my heart........

I have a very real testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. VERY REAL and VERY STRONG! Like I said earlier, some days my testimony certainly feels stronger than others, but it's always there. Even now, as I write this......there are tears in my eyes, a lump in my throat, and my heart is overflowing. I have so much love for this Gospel and for the blessings that I have been so abundantly blessed with!! I KNOW that I would be utterly and completely LOST without the Gospel in my life!!

I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and in trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing and where I'm supposed to be in my life. I struggle with trying to figure out just what it is that Heavenly Father wants me to do. So often, I feel lost and unsure of what it is that He wants me to do. I've also come to the realization that a lot of it has to do with my own stubborness, too. I'm a pretty stubborn person, I guess, and sometimes it takes a while to get through my thick head. And sometimes that stubbornness has to do with fear as well.

Matt asked me not too long ago why there is sometimes such hesitancy in me in moving forward with doing certain things in relation to the adoption. Honestly? Fear. Fear of the unknown and the uncertainty. I think I'm afraid of not being a mother someday.....but I'm also terrified of becoming a mother someday. And here are where so many of the feelings of inadequacy come in. Can I do it? Can I be a good mother? Will I have the patience that it requires? Will I have the strength to face whatever challenges can and may come with adoption and/or foster care? Am I good enough and strong enough?

I do realize that that is a lot of Satan working his 'magic'...........trust me, I do. But I often forget about that part, too, and I allow those feelings of doubt and inadequacy to creep in and take over.

My goal for this next year is to keep pushing forward and to remain strong.......stronger, even, than I have been. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ is true.......I know it with all of my heart. I KNOW that my Heavenly Father loves me and watches out for me! I do know that I will be a mother someday............I just need to be better about doing what it takes to be stronger and closer to the Spirit so that I may hear the promptings and act on them. Thank goodness for a wonder Patriarchal Blessing that brings me great comfort in my life at times when I need it most.

I'm so grateful for my beloved Eternal Companion, Matthew......who so openly and loving accepts me and loves me in spite of my weaknesses and imperfections. He truly is my best friend.

Also, as I've reflected over the past year and had all of these thoughts, etc, swirling through my brain all day.......I've been doing some reading and have come across some really great articles from some of the General Authorities of our church. Reading things like this helps to buoy my spirit at times, too. I thought I would share some of what I found with you today. They are following this post.

Anyway, thank for caring and taking the time to listen to the 'ramblings' of my mind and some of the 'inner workings' of my heart. Sometimes it helps to put them in perspective while writing them down and sometimes its easier for me to write about them than to speak them.....

Enjoy the following articles!

A Period of Testing & Foundation of Faith

"Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order for us to be tested, we must face challenges and difficulties. These can break us, and the surface of our souls may crack and crumble—that is, if our foundations of faith, our testimonies of truth are not deeply embedded within us."

and

"If we do not have a deep foundation of faith and a solid testimony of truth, we may have difficulty withstanding the harsh storms and icy winds of adversity which inevitably come to each of us."

--Thomas S. Monson, "On Being Spiritually Prepared", Ensign, Feb 2010, 4–6

Spirit of Hope

"The Lord gives us a spirit of hope and a feeling of comfort and confidence that we can overcome the obstacles we face. He has shown the way to gain strength during our struggles. With His assistance, we have the ability to succeed."
--L. Lionel Kendrick, "Strength During Struggles", Ensign, Oct 2001, 24

Trials and Testimony

"God’s plan is designed so that each of us will go through many trials in our lives. Trials are His way of stretching us and helping us become as He is. Our crises will differ in magnitude and frequency, but they will continue throughout our lives. As John learned, strength to overcome these trials and return to Heavenly Father is found in the word of our testimonies."
--Paul B. Pieper, "Trials and Testimony", Ensign, Mar 2010, 32–33

Faith and the Atonement

"Faith in the Lord is trust in the Lord. We cannot have true faith in the Lord without also having complete trust in the Lord’s will and in the Lord’s timing. As a result, no matter how strong our faith is, it cannot produce a result contrary to the will of Him in whom we have faith. Remember that when your prayers do not seem to be answered in the way or at the time you desire. The exercise of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is always subject to the order of heaven, to the goodness and will and wisdom and timing of the Lord. When we have that kind of faith and trust in the Lord, we have true security and serenity in our lives."

--Dallin H. Oaks

Spiritual Guidance

"Impressions of the Spirit can come in response to urgent prayer or unsolicited when needed. Sometimes the Lord reveals truth to you when you are not actively seeking it, such as when you are in danger and do not know it. However, the Lord will not force you to learn. You must exercise your agency to authorize the Spirit to teach you. As you make this a practice in your life, you will be more perceptive to the feelings that come with spiritual guidance. Then, when that guidance comes, sometimes when you least expect it, you will recognize it more easily."


--Richard G. Scott, "To Acquire Spiritual Guidance", Ensign, Nov 2009, 6–9

Finding Strength

"When the winds blow and the rains pour, they blow and pour on all. Those who have built their foundations on bedrock rather than sand survive the storms. There is a way to build on bedrock by developing a deep personal conversion to the gospel of Jesus Christ and knowing how to receive inspiration. We must know—and know that we know. We must stand spiritually and temporally independent of all worldly creatures. This begins by understanding that God the Father is the Father of our spirits and that He loves us, that Jesus Christ is our Redeemer and Savior, and that the Holy Ghost can communicate with our minds and our hearts. This is how we receive inspiration. We need to learn how to recognize and apply these promptings."

--Allan F. Packer, "Finding Strength in Challenging Times", Ensign, May 2009, 17–19

I know that this is something that I struggle with on a personal level quite often. I struggle with knowing that what I might be feeling and 'hearing' in my heart might actually be inspiration from my Savior.....or whether it is simply a product of my own needs and wants at the time. As I continue to struggle and grow in my own personal relationship with my Heavenly Father, I do come to realize more and more that He watches over me and He does guide me in my daily life. I have felt the hand of my Savior in my life on numerous occasions. I continually strive to listen and be open and receptive enough to the Spirit to be able to know and recognize when I am receiving those spiritual promptings and inspiration that the Lord would have me recognize and learn from. I hope and pray that, with time and practice, I can continue to grow and learn to be more receptive and open.....and to draw closer to my Beloved Heavenly Father through the experiences that I might yet have in the future.

Congratulations, Xavier & Tammy!!!!!!

Xavier & Tammy are officially engaged!!!

Congratulations to the 2 of you!!

We're so happy for you!! :)


Xavier was so excited and planned a whole special day with Tammy at Dreher Island in South Carolina. He presented her with a rose, in which her engagement ring had been placed and proposed to her on Tuesday, March 23, 2010. She, of course, said 'yes' and they are now officially engaged to be married sometime after Xavier hits his year mark of joining the church in November. They are planning to be married in the Columbia, South Carolina Temple.


I knew when Tammy and Xavier left Utah after visiting with us for 2 weeks that he would be my future brother-in-law. I'm proud to call him my brother!! :)

Thanks to Xavier for sharing the Big Day with us by taking so many great pictures!

(Xavier moved back to South Carolina for 3 months on Saturday, March 13. He will then have to go back to France again for a short while......but he'll be back as soon as possible to stay permanently!)

Snow Storm

Ok.....Here are the final pictures from Xavier & Tammy's trip to Utah in November. I was happy that we got a good snow storm on Saturday, 11/14/2009....and that they were able to go out and play in it for a few hours.

It was my weekend to be 'on call' for work, which meant that I was pretty housebound all weekend and wasn't able to do much during the day. I felt bad, since it was the weekend before they left......but they kept themselves pretty entertained playing in the snow and playing Wii......and just enjoying being together.

Here are some pictures I took of them outside the house playing in the snow. As you can imagine, both Tammy & Xavier were pretty excited to see so much snow since neither one of them live in places where they see much of it! They spent pretty much all afternoon outside on Saturday and built a 'Snow Bear' next to our garage, which you'll see in the final pictures. It was pretty cute......

Xavier & Tammy flew out of Salt Lake City the morning of Tuesday, 11/17/2009......and we were sad to see them go! We had a very enjoyable time with them the 2 weeks they were here and hope they'll come back again in the near future!

They flew to Columbia, South Carolina.....where Tammy lives with my parents......and Xavier stayed there for 2 weeks and met my parents and other family members living back there. They had a really great time together and, as mentioned in a previous post, Xavier was baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (a.k.a. Mormon Church) on the afternoon of Saturday, 11/28/2009. He then flew back home to France on Sunday, 12/06/2009......with a promise to Tammy that he'd be back as soon as possible!

The Canyons/Park City & Guardsman Pass

We spent the majority of the day on Saturday, November 7, 2009 driving up through Big/Little Cottonwood Canyons, Park City, and over Guardsman Pass. Xavier is from Bretagne, France.....which is on the beach.....so he's not used to such big, beautiful mountains. He was very excited to get to go up in them and see the beauty up close. These first pictures are in the Canyons. In the first picture, you can see Matt, Tammy, and Xavier climbing up a small waterfall. I was obviously just down below them taking the picture. The second picture is of Tammy and Xavier. I really like this picture of the 2 of them!

I really like the way this picture and the next one show the colors created on the rocks/boulders as the water is cascading down over them.

Since we were up there, we drove up to La Caille Restaurant, which is a very pretty and expensive restaurant up the Canyons. These swans live in the little lake out front.

As we started going up Guardsman Pass, we found snow and Xavier and Tammy had to get out in it and play for a few minutes. Xavier RARELY sees snow......so this really fun and new for him to experience.

As you can see.....Xavier was taking pictures, too! :)

And here is Xavier freezing to death but, yet, he insisted that he didn't need a jacket and that he was fine! :)

Tammy is about to get back in the truck after having a quick snowball fight with Xavier.....

Some pictures up Guardsman Pass.

Here are some pictures of Matt and I up Guardsman Pass.

If you look closely, or click on the picture to blow it up bigger, you can see that there are people parasailing out on the lake. Xavier thought that was pretty cool!!

Here are a couple pictures of one of the many ski lifts in Utah!

We greatly enjoyed showing Xavier and Tammy a small portion of the beauty that this great State has to offer!!

Salt Lake City Temple - Vistor's Center.....Christus Statue

Friday, November 6, 2009 - We spent some time taking Xavier to see Downtown Salt Lake City and Temple Square. Unfortunately, we didn't get down there until it was getting darker and later, so this is the only picture I got of us. However, I really like this picture of the 4 of us A LOT!

Xavier was not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (a.k.a. the Mormon Church) when he came to visit us. Tammy had been doing a lot of missionary work with him over the internet throughout the course of their correspondence. Xavier had seemed to be very open and receptive in their conversations, and had many questions and a certain thirst for knowledge while he was here, so that's why we took him downtown to see Temple Square. While at the Visitor's Center, we walked upstairs to see the Christus Statue......which is where this picture was taken. I LOVE this statue! It brings tears to my eyes when I see it.

We spoke with a couple of sister missionaries while there and they played the recorded presentation for us in both English and in French, specifically for Xavier so that he could get the full message. While Xavier never seemed to say much........he did seemed to be touched by the Spirit quite often. It was a really great experience for Matt and I to be able to be a small part of helping him to learn and recognize what it was that he was feeling during those times.

Thank you for being so open and receptive, Xavier, and for allowing us to share with you one our greatest joys in life! You are a very special man and I know I told you before, but I believe that Heavenly Father has prepared you for this time in your life. I don't believe that you 'meeting' Tammy the way you did, etc, was an 'accident'. I felt something very special in you almost from the time that I met you. You have a very strong Spirit and I hope you will always remain strong and close to your Heavenly Father!

And, Tammy.........I'm so proud of you! You've grown up into an incredible young woman! It wasn't easy, but I'm so very grateful that you were close enough to the Spirit to feel the promptings and to be strong enough to heed those promptings as you continued your relationship with Xavier. You are an inspiration to me and I'm proud to call you my little sister!

As long as you both remain strong in your testimonies and stay close to your Beloved Heavenly Father, you will do well and learn and grow continually in your life! I sure do love you both and I'm so proud of both of you! Stay strong!!

(P.S. - If you're reading this and haven't already guessed it.......Xavier ended up getting baptized and joined the church on Saturday, November 28, 2009, in South Carolina. After he reaches his year mark this year......he and Tammy plan to be married in the Temple.)

Las Vegas - "Final Chapter"

Here are the rest of the pictures that I took on the trip to Las Vegas. These were all taken on the same day, Wednesday, 11/04/2009, These first 4 pictures were taken as we were walking out of the Mirage Hotel. I thought they were gorgeous and had to have a picture! The pink flowers are very similar to some that Matt and I saw outside of our hotel on our trip to Hawaii in 2008. I thought they were beautiful and fell in love with them then......and I still love them! Seeing them in Las Vegas reminded me of our trip to Hawaii.

This picture is the view from the Mirage Hotel as we were standing at the Valet Parking in front, waiting for them to bring us our SUV.

These are just 2 more pictures of Vegas that I took as we were walking the strip some more.

While we were down there, the 4 of us stayed at the Luxor Hotel. It was pretty nice and we enjoyed our stay. Here are some pictures of the hotel.

These pictures are of the Venetian Hotel.........Absolutely gorgeous!

On the Strip, there are lots of shops, etc......lots of different ways to spend your money! We spent the morning of Thursday, 11/05/2009 walking around and checking out a couple more things on the Strip before we headed out and drove back home that afternoon. We stopped in at this little shop to find out more information about taking a helicopter tour and to see if maybe the four of us could go before we headed out of Vegas. Unfortunately, it costs a lot of money and we didn't have enough time to do it. Next time, though!!

Anyway, Xavier has a great love and fascination with helicopters and flying. He's very passionate about it and very knowledgeable. It's what he wants to do for a career and he's been working very hard to achieve the goal of flying helicopters and saving lives....hopefully in the near future! As a result, I had to take a couple of pictures of this helicopter they had as part of the decoration in this shop. Here you go, Xavier!! :)

Thanks for going to Las Vegas with us, Tammy and Xavier, and for giving us a good excuse to get out of town on a quick trip for a couple days! We had a lot of fun with you guys! Sure do love you both!! :)