Well.........I've been waiting a few weeks to post this until all of the changes, etc, were officially made. So here goes...............
I've had some rather large personal changes happening in my life over the last 3 weeks or so, which have caused a lot of thought, prayer, thought, tears........some more thought.........excitement.......confusion........a lot of mixed emotions..........and still some more thought.........you get the idea. LOL I've had quite a bit on my mind about the future and what's coming for Matt and I. But first, let me back up and tell you what prompted all of this. :)
About a month ago, one of the counselors in the Bishopric in our Ward called me and asked me to speak that Sunday. Of course I wasn't overly excited about it, but I told him I would do it. Contrary to what some of those who know me best might think.........I do tend to be somewhat outspoken and fairly outgoing.........but I HATE speaking in front of people! :) Luckily, the topic I was given is one that I am all too familiar with and is very close to my heart: "Following the Promptings of the Spirit". It was a pretty easy topic for me to speak on. Throughout the next few days, I began to think about that topic and what I wanted/needed to speak about.
Sunday, April 26 came and I gave my talk............several of those who heard it said they enjoyed it (thank you!).
As Sacrament ended and I was gathering up my things to head to Sunday School, our Ward Executive Secretary caught me and asked if I could meet with the Bishop that afternoon after church. I told him I could and the appointment was set. Of course, the rest of the 3 hours that I had to wait was agony as I guessed and pondered on what he could want to see me for. I think I knew......no felt..............that I was going to be released from my calling as the 2nd Counselor in the Relief Society Presidency. I then began to wonder and ponder on what I was about to be called to..............since I knew that there were a bunch of changes happening within the Ward. I just didn't know quite how many and who all it would affect.
Church ended, I went home with Matt to grab some lunch really quick, and had a quick visit with our Home Teachers. I then headed back over to the church at 1:45 to meet with the Bishop.........still wondering and pondering on what changes were about to happen.
As I walked into the Bishop's office and sat down across from the desk from him, my heart was pounding and I was a little nervous. I love our Bishop. He's such a great guy! Matt and I have actually known he and his wife since we got married, as we were in the same Ward when we were in our apartment in Midvale at the time...........before they even had their 2 children. Then, as we moved out of that Ward and began our search for a house............we were excited our first Sunday in our new Ward after we moved into our house when we walked into Sunday School and saw Nate and Melanie waving and smiling at us from across the room! It's always nice and a little comforting when you already have friends to greet you when you move to a new place! Since then, we've grown to love Nate and Melanie as we've gotten to know them even better.
Anyway, as Bishop Hansen and I began talking it was a bit of an emotional 'talk' for me. He told me that he had felt prompted the last few weeks that I needed to be released from my calling in the Relief Society Presidency and put into something that would 'require less of my time'. As he continued talking and sharing with me his thoughts/feelings he had been having about making this change, my first initial thought was............"Is he crazy? What in the WORLD is he TALKING about?" (And, yes, during the course of our talk I did share that with him, too. LOL) Following pretty closely after that thought, though, another thought came into my head.........."Something's coming. You need to be prepared and you need that extra time." And then all of the clouds of doubt started. :) I then began to think........"Do I suck? And that's why he's releasing me? I didn't do a good enough job?" I began to think about all of the things I COULD have done better.........and ways that I can be a better person. But that thought that "something's coming" still lingered.........which is a little scary, exciting, and also really confusing!
I have a horrible problem of doubting myself and, so often, when I get thoughts or feelings in my head I will doubt where they are coming from and whether it's just my subconsciousness dreaming things up because that particular subject, etc, has been on my mind so much at that particular time. (I hope that makes sense to those reading this. It make sense in my head! LOL) It's something that I'm constantly working on, but I still have a big problem with it! (hhhmmmm.............maybe that's why I needed to give that talk that Sunday?)
Anyway, as the conversation with the Bishop progressed and the tears were flowing, he suddenly looked at me at one point with this sweet, humble look on his face.............and proceeded to voice the same thought that had popped into my head as he was sharing his feelings about releasing me: "Maybe something's coming and you need that extra time to prepare for it and be ready when it comes." Of course, then the tears started flowing even more freely as I proceeded to tell him that I had that same thought while he was talking earlier!
Our sweet Bishop asked me if I was okay with being release from the Relief Society and his concern for my happiness and well-being was very evident as we spoke. I explained that I had mixed emotions about being released. Being in the R.S. Presidency is sometimes a very hard calling to fill..........but it is also very rewarding. The call to serve in the R.S. Presidency came at a time when I most needed it, and I have loved serving and getting to know the beautiful ladies in our Ward on a much more personal level. I love them and I want to continue to serve with them and get to know them all. Each has a unique personality and unique talents to share with others.
The Bishop expressed to me that he had no doubt that I will "bloom where I am planted", and I told him that I will certainly do my best. He then proceeded to call me to be the new Nursery Song Leader............which I SO didn't see coming! It think it will be a new 'adventure' for me and maybe it will help me to grow and learn in a totally different aspect. The Bishop expressed that maybe this is another way for the Lord to prepare me to be a Mom when that time comes. Maybe it is.
Over the next few weeks I still 'pretended' to be in the R.S. Presidency, but also started learning the ropes of being the new Nursery Song Leader, too, while the Bishop called everyone in and got all of the new changes made. I was officially released from the R.S. Presidency last Sunday, May 10...........and was officially called as the Nursery Song Leader yesterday.
The other counselor, Dani, was also released from the R.S. Presidency last week as well and 2 new counselors were called. I'm really excited for Alicia and Beth, and I think they are going to do a really great job!
I have certainly come to realize over the last 11 years in particular that my Heavenly Father certainly does know me and knows what's best for me. I am somewhat of a stubborn person, and I have tried in the past to plan my life out the way I think it should go. But I've come to realize over the years that nothing ever works out that way for me............and I've actually become grateful for it, too. I look at the course my life was on.....the course that I wanted it to be on..........and I look at the course it actually took. I have been blessed beyond measure for all of the times that I finally gave up trying to do it 'my way' and finally put it in the Lord's hands and let Him do it His way.
The last few weeks have been a time of great reflection for me. As I look back over each of the major events that have happened in my life over the course of the last 11 years.......there's no way that I could ever deny that my Heavenly Father hasn't been watching out for me and guiding me in my life!!
I think about where I was 11 years ago.......living the Gospel and trying to do what's right.........but feeling a little lost and not quite sure where I needed to be and what I needed to be doing with my life. I began to pray about going on a mission.....but instead got the most distinct impression that I needed to move to Utah. So I began to make preparations and a few months later packed up my car and drove out to Salt Lake City............and I've been here ever since. I've never regretted that decision. It's been tough at times, but I've learned and grown so much! Maybe even more so..........or maybe just in a very different and more personal way for me........than if I had gone on a mission.
About a year after I moved to SLC, I began to pray and make preparations to go through the Temple for the first time. Those few months were some of the most trying times of my life, but it was through those trials that I truly gained my testimony and received my own, very real 'conversion'. I remember driving to the Atlanta Temple with my family after having been through a pretty intense few months of questioning everything I had believed in and coming out a better person for it in the end............and surviving and walking away from an awful car accident on my way home to be with my family to go through the Temple..............and then finally reaching the Temple, entering those gates, and entering the doors of that sacred building. I remember my Dad telling me as we drove through the gates of the Temple........"Well, you finally made it." Yes, I did! I was so happy and proud of myself for enduring my own personal 'hell' and yet remaining strong enough to be there that day. Taking on those covenants that day had more meaning to me than ever before! I will never forget that experience. It still touches my heart and the tears currently flow as I remember it all.
A few years later, I met and began dating Matt. We went through the struggles of dealing with the death of his Dad and the feelings of loss and anger he experienced, the normal struggles that any LDS couple struggle with in trying to decided if they should get married, then trying to prepare to be sealed in the Temple after that decision has been made. The weekend that we were supposed to have our engagement pictures taken, I left early from my apartment (which would later be ours after we got married) that Friday morning to go to work and woke up later that afternoon in the Emergency Room at LDS Hospital. I found out that I had apparently been in another horrible accident (that I don't remember), in which my car was totalled and I had been airlifted to LDS Hospital.........but I only walked away with a few stitches in my head and some bad bruises and bumps. One week later, the very next Friday after recovering from my own accident, I was at my in-laws and we got the call that Matt had been a terrible accident and was being taken by ambulance to St. Mark's Hospital. I remember dropping everything and rushing to the Hospital with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law to spend that night at the hospital with Matt, worrying that he was okay. He was also blessed to only walk away with a lot of bad bruises and bumps......and a totalled car. I remember the feelings that I had again, a few months later, as I finally knelt across the altar from Matt and we were sealed for time and eternity in the Jordan River Temple. I remember distinctly feeling and hearing the gentle whisperings, "You are in the right place, at the right time, with the right man." I felt so much peace and happiness that day.............and still continue to feel it with Matt everyday as we struggle together through life's many challenges. There isn't a doubt in my mind that I married the right man for me!!
Now, a few years later, we are still struggling to start our family. I've decided and come to the conclusion that I'm pretty sure Satan isn't going to try to kill me this time, as he has so often in the past.............he's just going to make it very difficult for us! :) As Matt and I try to hang in there and remain positive, we can still feel the hand of the Lord in our lives and we are so grateful to have each other and all that we have!
As the changes in my calling have happened over the last few weeks, I continue to reflect over all of these things and wonder what this 'something's coming' is............and how long I'm going to have to wait for it. Some days are harder than others to be patient, but I do know from very personal past experience that if I wait and let things happen in the Lord's time, we will be so blessed for it! Again, I look to the Lord for those promptings and the inspiration to guide me to where I need to be and to help me figure out what I need to be doing right now in my life.....and what I need to be preparing for.
I have such a testimony of this Gospel, and I'm grateful for all that I've been so abundantly blessed with over the years! I know that my Heavenly Father is very real and loves me very much! I know that he knows me on a very personal level and knows what's best for me. I may get frustrated and inpatient at times, but I'm going to do my best to leave it in His hands and let His will be.....
