OK..........So I'm officially a basketcase! :)

Has anyone else out there ever had a time when they were celebrating something really great with a friend..........something that that friend has been wanting and working really hard towards for a really long time..................and then suddenly that dream comes true..............and you're so excited and happy for them............but it totally rips your own heart out as you watch their happiness and wonder if you'll ever get your own dream?

One of those instances happened today for me. I don't really even quite know why, but I suddenly found myself hurrying to get out of the situation as quickly as I possibly could because I could feel myself coming unglued. I will admit that I am somewhat easily touched by certain things at certain times................but this was ridiculous and embarassing! I managed to make it to the car before the dam broke, but I found myself sobbing my heart out on my way home in a way that I haven't done in a very long time.

What is wrong with me? Please tell me that I'm not the only 'basketcase' out there! LOL

I love Football Season................

So most of our friends already know................but Matt and I are totally 100% University of Utah fans!! We are excited to say that so far this season the Utes are 4-0, and we haven't missed a game yet! Can we keep it up? We've had a perfect season before in the past....................can we pull it off again? We'll see! Stay tuned for more updates!

Good luck on Saturday's game! (Though it really shouldn't be too much problem against Weber State.)

GO UTES!!!

Quote - Hero

Matt and I watched the movie, "Nim's Island", on Sunday night. Cute movie! Anyway, there was a quote that Jodie Foster said that sent me running for a pen and paper again. I thought I'd share it.................

"Be the hero of your own life story."

It's me again................

Ok...........So I was reading through the 2 posts I've already posted today and realized they are probably totally contradictory to one another. The first one I wrote this morning, before Matt told me about Gig and Heidi. The other one I just barely wrote a few minutes ago. I can't help but worry that the future birthmother of my baby will be hurt and/or offended by my venting session a few minutes ago, if she comes across it and reads it. I would just delete that post, but it's important to me and it is some of my very real feelings that I'm sharing.

YES!! Infertility and the loss of a baby REALLY SUCKS!!! There are some days that you just want to give up and let the dream go. You just want to be angry, hurt, sad, depressed, unhappy.............and REALLY MAD that life sucks so bad sometimes!!

But most days, I know that I just have to be patient and that Heavenly Father will help me figure it all out. I know that when I'm having a bad day and feeling really down about life............He can pick me back up, dust me off, and help me to know that it's going to be okay as long as I will stay close to Him and put my life in his hands. I don't understand why things are the way they are sometimes, but there is a purpose and a reason for it all. I think I've said it before in an earlier post.................I have a very different outlook on families after going through the adoption process. I think my eyes have been opened to realize that sometimes when things go wrong in our lives or don't go according to plan.....................there's still a reason for it. There's a lesson to be learned by everyone.

I have good and bad days, just like everyone else. I'm human. We all are. But as long as I let my Heavenly Father guide me...........I'll figure it all out and things will get better. Without Him..............I would be totally lost. Thanks, Heavenly Father, for always being there for me even when I'm being stubbon and not always listening!

We love you Gig & Heidi!!

It is with somewhat of a very heavy heart that I write this post. Matt and I have 2 very good friends that we've come to love over the years as we've gotten to know them better. Matt and Gig work together at Sprinkler World and it is through their association that Heidi and I have also been able to become friends.

Gig and Heidi are one of those couples that are just really fun to be around. Gig is a total crack-up and the 2 of them together is just such a great combination. The picture above is of the 4 of us on our last night on the cruise we all went on with Sprinkler World 2 years ago. Matt and I spent almost the entire week with Gig and Heidi and had a blast running around everywhere with them!

Gig and Heidi have a little girl, Taylor, who is about 9 or 10 years old now and cute as she can be!! They would love to have more children and have been trying to get pregnant again for the last 6 or 7 years.....................with no luck. One day, about 4 or 5 months ago I guess, Matt called me from work to tell me that Gig and Heidi were pregnant finally!! We were so excited for them!! However, over the last 6 months or so Heidi has been very sick and has been having some complications. She expressed to me about a month ago that she had been having this terrible fear the entire pregnancy that she was going to lose the baby. She had had so much anxiety about it that it was adding to her sickness. By that point, though, she was finally feeling like she was getting over being so sick and feeling more like herself again. They've been so excited to have this new little addition in their family, and Heidi was about halfway to the end.

Matt called me a couple hours ago to tell me that they lost the baby this morning.

It breaks my heart because I know how much they wanted this baby and how much love they have in their hearts. I know how hard they've been trying to get pregnant for so long...........

Sometimes I get so frustrated about things like this. I know in my heart that there is a divine purpose in heaven for everything, and that nothing is an accident. But sometimes it's really hard to watch those who want children (us included) struggle SO MUCH to get there................and then to have to watch so many others who DON'T want children or aren't ready for them, to have no problems whatsoever in getting pregnant. There are so many mistreated, forgotten, unloved children in the world today..................why can't those of us who want and have the ability to be great, loving parents have the chance to take those children into their homes and raise them in good, loving families? Why does it sometimes have to be so hard?

I'm sorry to have gotten off on somewhat of an emotional tangent.........but it' s something that has weighed on my mind a lot in the last few years. Again, I know that there is a divine purpose and reason for everything, including our trials................but that doesn't always make it any easier when you're in the middle of going through that tough trial. Thanks for listening and for letting me vent for a few minutes.................

We love you Gig, Heidi, and Taylor!! You are in our thoughts and in our prayers!

Another Adoption Update...............

The week after I started working full time at home, we took another step in our adoption process towards the final approval. Our case worker, Josh, came over and did our home study. Basically, all he really did was just walk through our house and make sure we have fire extinguishers and fire alarms/carbon monoxide detectors, etc. I've had a few people ask me if they go through all of your drawers and personal belongings. It's not that way at all. All they really do is just make sure your home will be safe to put a child in. It was very low key and not nearly as stressful as I've always kind of feared it would be. He then sat down with us and asked a few more questions about the area we live in, as well as answered a few more of our questions.

The only major things we have left now is to do our collage/scrapbook pages and to write the letter to the birthmother. We've pretty much got the scrapbook pages done and were able to have Josh take a look at them when he came to our house. He gave us a few minor suggestions about ways to make them just a little better and we're now in the process of making those changes.

The part that I'm most nervous about, though, is writing the letter to the birthmother. What do you say to someone you've never met and know absolutely nothing about at this point? There is a woman out there who is going to be the mother of my child someday, and even though I have no idea where she is or what she's doing right now.............I love her and can't wait to meet her! I want to say just the right thing that will spark something special in her heart to let her know that Matt and I are the ones who are meant to be her child's parents. I don't want to sound like everyone else. I want to stand out in some special way. I want this woman to know that I hope with all my heart that she will allow Matt and I to love her and include her in our family. I hope that we can be of some support and comfort to her in this trial. I tend to get a little emotional just thinking about her................I can't imagine what it will be like to finally meet her!

Goodbye PMG..............

For the last 6 years, I have worked for a company called Professional Management Group (PMG) as an Account Manager doing Anesthesia Billing. It is a great company that I have really enjoyed working for. For the last year and a half, I've also been working part time as a Medical Transciptionist at home for a few hours every night as well. I went to school (many moons ago) to be a Medical Transciptionist because I knew that, someday, when I started my family I wanted to be able to work a bit at home while raising and taking care of my children. Until about a year and a half ago, though, I haven't felt a real great need to work as a transcriptionist yet so I have pursued other careers in the medical field instead.

As Matt and I have gone through the adoption process over the last year, I have felt the need to be at home much more prominently so I have been taking measures to ensure that I will be able to do so when we finally get that phone call and are blessed with a child.

The opportunity to get back into working as a Medical Transcriptionist quite literally fell into my lap about a year and a half ago and I decided I would be stupid if I passed up the opportunity...............especially since it allowed me to start working from home from DAY 1!!!! Since that time, I have been easing myself into the transition until I felt it was time for me to go full time with it.

Over the last few months, I have grown increasingly restless and less 'enchanted' with my job with PMG. I began to realize that I'd reached the end of the road with them and started to feel that maybe it was time to start working from home full time as a Medical Transcriptionist instead. I guess I put the feeling off for a little while but it persisted and wouldn't go away................and only got worse! I realized that I was growing more and more unhappy with the situation I was in and started to pray about what I needed to do to change it. The answer I got was that it's time for me to concentrate on making the transition to working full time at home, which was scary to me! I was comfortable and the thought of making such a huge change really scared me a lot! But I finally did it...............

Friday, August 8, 2008 was my last day in the office. It was a bit sad for me to pack up all of my things on my desk and walk out those doors that night, knowing that I wouldn't be back full time again! But I have continued to feel a great peace everytime I pray about my decision.

I am still doing a little bit of part time work for PMG from home as well, but not much. My focus is now on transcription work.

The last month has been a bit crazy, trying to get used to being at home all day and get myself into a routine. There have been discouraging times..........and some stressful times.................and plenty of times when the clouds of doubt have crept in and threatened to push out the sunshine and the peace. HOWEVER...........everytime I get on my knees and pray about this decision those clouds are pushed aside again and the undeniable peace comes back. I still don't know exactly why it's time for me to make this big change in our lives................but I do feel that Heavenly Father is trying to guide me in the direction I need to be going. Sometimes, I'm stubborn and want to do things my way but I've learned that when I leave it in the Lord's hands everything always works out so much better.....................

Cassie's Wedding - 08/08/08

Matt's family isn't very big on taking pictures, so I've never been able to get a really good picture of them all. I was very excited when I saw how good this one turned out!!

Our niece, Cassie, got married on August 8, 2008. We got a couple of texts while we were up in the Mountains near Strawberry Reservoir four-wheeling, letting us know that Cassie was getting married the next weekend. It was kind of a crazy, whirlwind week with the family all trying to get everything figured out and put together for her..............but it turned out beautifully! She was married in Carolyn (Matt's Mom) and Julie's (Matt's oldest sister) backyard and it turned out very nice. Here are some pictures of the wedding.

Here are some pictures of the serving tables we placed up on the deck at the back of the house.

This is a picture of the table her sign-in book and gifts were on.

Here are some pictures of the backyard.

This is another shot of the backyard taken from the bottom up to the house. This is the house that Matt grew up in. It's beautiful! Julie lives here and helps Carolyn take care of the house since Matt's Dad died in January of 2002, 3 weeks after we started dating.

This is Julie, Matt's oldest sister, with the nieces. The one standing behind Julie is Bethany. The three little girls in front of Julie are, from left to right: Brenna, Sarah, and Alayna.

This is Matt's other older sister, Suzie. Brenna is sitting on her lap, and Bethany and Sarah are sitting on either side of her. You can also see a small portion of Josh, her son and oldest child, standing at the punch bowl in the blue shirt, too.

This is Matt's older brother, Paul, and his wife, Halley. Brenna, sitting between them, is their little girl.

Yes, Matt's the baby in the family!

This is Cassie, with her Mom (Michelle) on the left and her Grandmother (Jeanie, Michelle's Mom) on the right.

The picture to the right is Brett, who is married to Michelle. Michelle used to be married to Brent (sorry if there is confusion), Matt's older brother who was killed in a motorcycle accident about 11 or 12 years ago? Michelle has since married Brett and they have had 2 more little girls over the years, the newest of which Brett is holding in the picture. Her name is Sienna, and she was only about a month old here. She was a bit of a surprise to them, but they are very excited to have her. She's very beautiful!

This is Cassie coming down the hill to meet her Groom. Christopher, her younger brother, gave her away.

Cassie and her Groom, Drew, during the ceremony.

Cassie and her new Husband, Drew! We love you Cassie and we hope that you're very happy!

Hunter Poker Run 2008

So for the past few years, Hunter (a major name in the landscaping business), has sponsored what is called the Hunter Poker Run. A bunch of people from the landscaping/sprinkler/irrgation business all get together for that weekend up in the beautiful mountains near Strawberry Reservoir to go camping and four-wheeling. Everyone has the option to come up whenever they want throughout the weekend, but on Saturday is the big Poker Run. There's no gambling involved! Everyone goes out riding on their four-wheelers on a trail that has been carefully staked out by the Hunter Reps previously. The ride is absolutely GORGEOUS itself! Along the way, there are stops and you get a poker card, ice cream, water, chat and rest for a few minutes, etc. At the end, after everyone has come back to camp there are prizes. Almost everyone comes away with something!

Anyway, Matt and I went last year and had SO MUCH FUN that we had to go again this year!! Again, it was tons of fun! We went up early on Friday and rode and camped overnight. Then on Saturday we rode the Poker Run with everyone. We camped overnight again and then came home on Sunday morning.

Here's a picture of the 'beast' we were riding! It's a 2-seater and is SO COMFORTABLE!! Since we don't have our own, we rented it for the weekend. These pictures were taken after we had come back from the Poker Run all day on Saturday.

Here are some pictures of our campsite.

What a sexy man!!

Do you ever have those times when you feel like you've got dirt in every crack and crevice in your body? This was one of those times! But it was so worth it! I was quite excited to get home to my shower, though. Aren't I beautiful!! :) NOT!

Thank you Alan & Gena...........and for everyone else involved with Hunter.........for making it such an enjoyable weekend!!

Downtown Salt Lake City

OK...........I'm still trying to get caught up on everything over the last month or so. Bare with me............


While my Mom and Tammy were in town visiting, we also had to take them downtown to see Temple Square, since that's a must when people come to visit. We road Tracks downtown, walked around for a bit, and saw the Joseph Smith Movie at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. I LOVE that movie!! It always makes me cry. Matt took this picture of the Salt Lake Temple as it was getting darker and the lights had come on.


Pauline was carrying Kayla around in her little carrier/sling thing on her shoulders. (I don't know what it's really called.) Here is a picture of her. This is also a really cute picture of Pauline's whole family. Here's a picture of Matt and I at the Reflecting Pool in front of the Salt Lake Temple.

Pauline's cute boys, Jorden, Tylor, and Chayton.

My Mom and I.

My Mom, with her girls.

My sisters, Pauline and Tammy, and I.