I was so angry and hurt.....

I have to take a few minutes to write about something that makes me very angry and hurts me beyond words whenever I hear about it. Last night was no exception.........

Matt and I usually like to watch the 10:00 news at night before getting ready to go to bed, and it almost seems like most of the stories that are shared/told on the news are so depressing! I often wonder what has happened to society with so much anger, hurt, blood shed........needlessly being mean and hateful to each other. There have been many times that I've quit watching the news for awhile because I get so irritated watching. But yet I keep watching because I want to stay 'connected' to the world and know what's going on.

Last night as we were watching, one of the stories hurt me to the very core of my being and I found myself so angry and upset that all I could do was, first express my anger in a slightly 'louder than usual' voice to Matt and the TV, and then to sit quietly and cry about it....and stew about it until I went to bed. Matt was so sweet as to let me express my anger........and express some of his own. And then he allowed me to be quiet and cry for a few minutes before kneeling at my feet as I sat on the couch, wrapped his arms around me, put his head in my lap, and told me that I'll be a good Mom someday. My response was that I appreciated that he felt that way but that......If I'm going to be such a great Mom, then why I am I not able to do so when so many other HORRIBLE, HATEFUL people DELIBERATELY hurt their children, but are able to have them so freely and easily?!!!! I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!

Allow me to elaborate a little bit on the story from last night that affected me so deeply.......

The story was of a woman who has a young child, a little girl, who is currently up at Primary Children's Hospital fighting for her life because this woman mistreated her and severely injured her. The whole story made me angry, but what me angriest of all was that this woman (I can't even call her a mother) had previously been in trouble with the law, on more than one account, for mistreating and injuring her daughter in the past. The child had previously been taken AWAY from the woman and was placed in Foster Care for a time until it was felt that the woman was 'fit' to have the child back again. NOW..........the child may die or suffer severe problems for the rest of her life because her 'mother' hurt her AGAIN so severely this time that she's currently laying in a hospital bed fighting for her LIFE!!

It makes me so angry and quite often I cry when I hear of similar stories! Why? Why? WHY!!!? I don't UNDERSTAND!! It breaks my heart!! And for those of you who wonder why Matt and I decided against Foster Care for the moment..............THIS IS WHY!! Maybe I don't have enough faith or maybe I don't trust enough........but I would be SICK to return a child to a 'home' that I didn't honesly feel in my heart was a safe place for that child to grow, learn and feel love! But I can't make that decision.........it's up to the LAW and the STATE!! I'm afraid that I would make myself SICK worrying about the safety and welfare of those precious children. I'm not sure that, emotionally, I could handle it right now. Maybe it's selfish of me, but my fear and my emotions don't make me feel comfortable enough to go forward with Foster Care at the moment. Maybe someday in the future I'll be stronger.........

For now.......my heart hurts and I feel very angry towards those who are able to have children so freely and mistreat them. I cry now as I sit here writing this post. I pray so often to keep the anger and hurt feelings out of my heart...........and to keep looking forward with hope. But some days it's really hard to keep hanging on to that hope.................