Foster Care Class #3 - Abuse & Neglect/Sex Abuse

We went to our third class on Saturday, which was a heavy one as you can guess from the title of this post. I actually expected it to be a lot more "emotionally charged" that it was, though...and it really wasn't as hard/bad as I thought it was going to be. Liz is really good at teaching the class and keeping everyone focused, etc. She shared some different scenarios and stories with us of cases she has dealt with or known about over the years. She showed us some pictures of children who had been abused in different ways......which was pretty awful to see, but seeing those pictures makes the problem more real and puts things in better perspective. At least for me, anyway. It just makes me want to protect these precious little children even more!

We also watched a couple of clips from some old shows of Oprah Winfrey's that's she's done in the past on abuse. There were some different scenarios of abuse and it gave us a chance to see and hear some of these people's stories....from both the side of the abuser and the abused. We were then able to discuss the scenarios as a group and realize the characteristics of the abuser and the abused. She helped us to learn how to be more aware of the signs and symptoms of an abuse situation so that we might be a little more alert to things that may be going on and shouldn't be.

For me, this class made me want to be a better person....a more kind, gentle, loving, patient person. Truth be told, I sometimes worry about myself being a mother. I worry that I won't be patient enough with my children and that I won't handle different situations in the correct way. I realize, more than ever, that each and everyone one of us has a breaking point......but it's how we handle it and react to that breaking point that makes a world of difference. Children can sometimes be very difficult to deal with, and sometimes we just literally have to walk away from the situation when we feel ourselves reaching that breaking point. Walk away, regain a firm grip on ourselves, take ourselves outside of the box and get back into perspective again.......and then come back and deal with the situation. All too often, someone reaches their breaking point way too quickly, without necessarily realizing it, and suddenly they snap and do something horrible that they might not have otherwise done. Anyone can be an abuser if they are not careful.......which is a little scary to think about sometimes. There are some people who are just 'evil' in this world...........but Liz pointed out that the majority of the abuse situations are people who either lose themselves to substance abuse and aren't really themselves when they are lost to the grips of whatever substance they are addicted to........or they lose control one day, reaching that breaking point, and suddenly everything spirals out of control. For me, I think that maybe keeping that perspective and reminding myself that those people are human just like me and, by trying to understand their circumstances instead of instantly passing judgment, maybe I'll be able to have a little more understanding and compassion in having to deal with those parents......if that situation ever arises. There may be times that Matt and I will have to deal with and interact with a parent who has abused a child who has been placed in our care for however long, and I want to be able to handle the situation in a way that will help benefit the child instead of hurting them further. My initial reaction is one of anger and remorse, even some revenge, when I hear of abuse situations. However, by learning the whole story and trying to keep a more Christlike attitude about it, might keep me from wanting to hurt that parent myself! :) I may be able to deal with it better and not allow it to make me bitter, angry, and upset towards the abuser.........which will be much more beneficial to the children placed in our care.

I really want to be a good parent, but also a friend to my children as well. I want my future children to know where I stand and how I feel about things that are of importance to their well being, nurturing, and for their general good. But I want them to also feel like they can come to both Matt and I and feel that they can talk to us about anything. If my children do something that won't necessarily make me happy or I might not agree with, I still want them to come to me and talk to be about the problem and we'll work through it together. It may not always be easy to deal with.....sometimes it may be hard. But I want my children to know and feel that I will always love them no matter what choices they make, etc, and that we are a team and can work together to make things better. I never want my children to feel 'abandoned' or 'unloved' for any reason. I want them to have a happy, secure, stable family home environment.

Growing up, I didn't fear my parents and I don't want my children to fear me either. My parents were fairly strict with me, but I always knew that if I did do something 'wrong' or wasn't necessarily in accordance with their teachings, that they would still love me in spite of it and that we would work together to make things 'right' again. I always knew that my parents were my biggest fans.........and still are! MY biggest fear was just in disappointing them. I never wanted to let them down. We might not have always gotten along or agreed on things, but there was never any doubt that they just wanted what was best for me and that they loved me very deeply and would do anything in the world for me. I want my future children to know and feel that about both Matt and I as well.

As Matt and I were leaving the class and talking a little about the things we had been discussing in the class, I pointed out to him that I really think that all of these things we are learning in these classes we are taking can help us to be better parents. Regardless of whether we end up someday having biological children, adopt them through LDS Family Services or if we end up adopting them through Foster Care, I really feel that these things we are learning will be valuable 'tools' in the future to help us be more alert and sensitive to our children and the things that are going on with them. Maybe we'll be able to see things that we might have otherwise missed before, maybe we'll be a little more 'in tune' with our future children than we would have been had we not been given the awareness that we're currently being given.